Aries (March 21 to April 19)
Your ambitious nature will reach new heights this month, leading you to a 36-hour-long depression nap on the 26th. But honestly, you need the beauty sleep, Aries. February will be a rough couple of years for you.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, love is especially in the air for Taurus. But it’s also in a greasy bag of fast food because McDonald’s is bringing back Spicy Chicken McNuggets for a limited time only.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
An acceptance letter to Harvard Medical School will find its way to your mailbox on the 6th, but unfortunately, the Office of Admissions sent it to the wrong address.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
Losing a limb sounds like a terrifying prospect, but after an incident which reveals that pole dancing may not be the class for you, you come to the conclusion that it’s not so bad once you go numb and have an empty socket where your arm once was.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)
Leo loves to be the center of attention, but this quality will get the better of you after your credit card spending becomes entirely responsible for a market crash on the 18th this month.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Your New Year’s resolution will be short-lived on the 23rd after disposing of all that kale you’ve been pretending to “enjoy” and ordering a milkshake instead.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
You’ll be feeling a little more vulnerable this month after meeting someone else who enjoyed watching “The Office” on Netflix. You thought you were the only person on the planet who did that, didn’t you? Time to find a new, actually interesting personality trait.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
No news is usually good news, but on Valentine’s Day, it might mean your date decided to cancel on you. Don’t get your hopes up for any romance this month, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
After a six-year hiatus from Facebook, on the week of Feb. 22, you will commence a blood feud with a long-time familial nemesis after receiving a notification that you’ve been “poked” by them.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
My boyfriend is a Capricorn, and coincidentally, the stars are saying that every single Capricorn should send their significant other a really nice gift for Valentine’s Day. Like, I don’t know, say, this Balenciaga wallet in “Forest Green.” The stars said it, not me.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
“Aquarius” sounds like the word “aquarium,” meaning you should invest in a pet fish this February.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)
Getting in shape can be tough — especially when the one you desire to resemble is a trapezoid. Maybe you should rethink some things and focus on what’s within reach, Pisces.
