Dear Abby: I’m dying to know — do you think it’s true that for a relationship to work, the guy always has to love the girl more? I feel like I’ve always loved my boyfriends more, but things always fizzle out. Is it because I’m the one loving harder?
Sometimes I like to think of relationships as an intricate tightrope act. It takes a lot of stealth, focus and proper footing, but surely what’s at the other end is worth all that hassle. What I mean with this metaphor is that an equal amount of love needs to come from both sides to keep the relationship upright.
But when I think back to every relationship I’ve known — the successes and the failures — I can’t help but wonder: Does the guy actually have to love the girl more for the relationship to work?
I know this topic is ladened with controversy, and the fairest stance I could take is the middle —
but sometimes it’s okay to take a side. While I’m not trying to make any gross generalizations here, I think emotionally we are all different — this is based on a whirlwind of societal perceptions, stereotypes and gender roles that have been forced upon us.
So, no, I’m not saying that every man is emotionally inept, or that every woman is overly infatuated. What I’m saying is that there are going to be differences in how people approach the boyfriend/girlfriend connection — and sometimes that may influence how the relationship turns out.
When a woman loves a man more
There exists the common misconception that all women are running around like crazy trying to find a man to pour all their love into. Getting married and starting a family is no longer the life goal for women the same way it was forty years ago, but people still like to think that finding a man is a top priority on a woman’s to-do list of life.
This picture is obviously a very false depiction of what a girl wants. However, I think that when we do seek out or fall into relationships; we love truly.
Women are used to having very close, emotional connections with other people in their life — especially with other women. I think this lends us women a greater sense of empathy and compassion, which we bring into our other miscellaneous interpersonal endeavors, including romantic ones. In a sense, this allows our displays of love to be more expressive.
So, despite what Olivia Rodrigo may sing, love is not embarrassing! It’s vast, complex and intimate, and I think women have an easier approach when it comes to taking on this kind of commitment because we are so familiar with it.
When you love hard, you attach yourself just as tightly. I think it’s fair to say that sometimes women can get more easily attached and invested in the person they’re seeing — even if things haven’t become official yet.
When a man loves a woman more
On the other end of the spectrum, a common misconception about men is that they’re empty — no emotion, no affection, nothing.
Now that’s just silly. Anyone who has had a man in their life knows they are capable of loving as deeply and as passionately as a woman, even if they do so differently.
I feel like the toxic masculinity that is so deeply ingrained in society today constantly has men questioning if they’re being “too emotional” or “too crazy in love.” As a result, most of them have a more reserved approach to love.
In some sense, I think that makes it harder for them to say how they feel. Conversely, it makes acts of physical affection come more naturally to them. Putting their arm around a girl, picking her up or kissing her allows them to fit into that “manly man” role more easily in relationships.
But don’t underestimate a man who is truly smitten with you. There’s this presumption that men always go for looks. However, there are so many guys out there who can view a woman for her entirety — beyond her beauty and what she has to offer physically — and those are the kind who have the capacity to love unconditionally.
And, I mean, not to tell you what to do, but I would say those are the kind of people you should want to be dating.
Who’s zoomin’ who?
A friend once told me they were certain that it would always have to be the man in the relationship who loves more in order for things to work out. I shrugged it off — how crazy, to assume that love is not a give-and-take process from both parties.
I still stand by that point, partially. Even if one person is more loving and affectionate, the other still has to give something. But, where I think I lean to one side of the argument more is when it comes to “who pursues who.”
Maybe a man doesn’t have to love a woman more for the relationship to work, but I do think it helps if he is the one who makes the first move.
There’s this unexpected turnaround in which a woman will give more love in return when a man makes the effort to seek her out. And this isn’t an egotistical move — I think it just speaks to how she views what he may be like in an actual relationship.
If he is caring, kind, respectful and goes the extra mile to win a first date, I think that says a lot about his character — though, don’t get blindsided, because anyone can perform a grand gesture.
My point
One thing I’ve learned is that all good relationships are anchored in reciprocity. Still, everyone is different and therefore loves differently. Perhaps what I’m saying rings true to you and your relationship experience, or maybe it’s the total opposite.
Don’t overthink it. Everyone can love, love! Just because you and your boyfriend broke up doesn’t mean you loved him more than he loved you and therefore things were destined to fail. Sometimes the issue is as simple as someone thinking they’re in love, when they simply only enjoy the idea of being in love.
So, in the see-saw act that is loving another person, choose balance. Measuring love may seem like an impossible act, but effort is something that can be seen clearly as day.
In the grand scheme of things, who cares about who asked out who? In any configuration of a relationship, if you’re going to commit to the act of endearment, both sides ought to be all in for it to really work.
