Ever see Caddyshack II? What about Dumb and Dumberer, The Ring 2 or Batman and Robin? Know what they all have in common? They’re all crappy sequels to good original movies. It’s a basic rule of nature: Sequels suck big time. I despise sequels and the movie executives who make them just so they can finance their immoral lifestyles. Hey Hollywood big shot, just because you can’t stay away from blow and hookers doesn’t mean decent, hard-working American should be subjected to Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
That’s why I was initially concerned when we decided to have another war in Iraq. I mean, we can all pretty much agree that the first Gulf War kicked more ass than an angry donkey in a small room full of fat people. Schwarzkopf, Bush and videos of smart bombs blowing up bunkers — good stuff. It’s probably one of my favorite wars, and I really didn’t want it to be tainted by a crappy sequel. I thought, “Why don’t we attack Cuba? We haven’t done that yet. Plus, we may get some fatty cigars out of the deal.” But my lament was for naught. Washington got its sequel and I was convinced that this war was going to be one we’d regret.
Flash forward a few years, and now I have a full stomach. Why, you ask? From all the crow I’ve been eating. I was totally wrong about this war. President Bush and company have really done America a solid with this go around. Everything pointed to this thing being a disaster, but they defied the odds. It’s pretty safe to say we’re involved in one helluva sequel.
The idea to make it longer was pure genius. The first Gulf War was only six months long, which suited its purpose just fine. We got acquainted with Iraq, Hussein, chemical agents and so on. This time around, Bush knew he had to top his old man. We’re going on four years! And counting! I was thinking we’d be there a year, two years tops. That’s about the standard for sequel wars these days. But Bush wasn’t going to settle for some half-assed occupation. Nope, he went all out.
And what about this cast of characters? Superb. I like how they brought it full circle with the Bushes. The son is there to finish what his dad started. Little touches like that separate a good war from a great war. We’re all fortunate that Kerry lost; he would’ve screwed up the whole family dynamic. It’s nice they brought back some characters from the first war like Colin Powell, too — gives it the sense of continuity. Then you mix in some fresh faces like Rumsfeld and Rice, and you have a cast that rivals the original.
It was also pretty bold that they didn’t bring in a big-name military commander this time. Having Schwarzkopf in the Gulf War was nice, don’t get me wrong, but the whole “highly visible and competent military commander” angle is a bit trite. I’m enjoying the haphazard feeling of this war; accidentally blowing up an entire city block really keeps things new and exciting.
The pleasant surprise for me as far as characters go is Tony Blair. A funny-looking foreigner is always a good idea, and Blair has been a homerun. I turn on the TV and there’s old Tony, trying to fit in and impress us Yanks. This guy is such a riot. Kudos to whoever brought him aboard.
Speaking of surprises, can this war have any more plot twists? It’s simply exhilarating. Bush flies in on the aircraft carrier, the “Mission Accomplished” banner waves, we catch Saddam and everything is sunny days and happy endings, right? Nope. Out of left field comes this insurgency! Bravo, guys. What an amazing turn of events.
Of course, that was just the beginning. Out of the insurgency we get this whole new development of the Sunnis and the Shiites bombing each other like it’s going out of style. All of a sudden we have ourselves a civil war breaking out in the desert. Can you imagine? A war inside another war! Call me Stevie Wonder, because I did not see that one coming. I swear this war just keeps getting better.
I used to think sequels were nothing but steaming piles of crap. But thanks to the Iraq war, I now see that there are exceptions to every rule. Each time this war faced an opportunity to succumb to the pitfalls of a sequel, it came out unscathed. It makes me wonder, can this be the second installment of an Iraqi War Trilogy? Man, if only.
Brian Fudge, a sophomore in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].