SUBURBAN LEGENDS: Where Art Thou, AC/DC?

As I returned home to Connecticut a few weeks ago for Spring Break, I flipped on the radio in my room, as I so often did in my youth. Being back in your old room always seems to make you a little nostalgic for the past, so of course, I wanted to hear the music that got me through the long days of middle school and beyond — classic rock, baby. So I put on the old reliable station, 105.9, “Classic Rock that Rocks,” expecting to rock out to a little Zeppelin or old-school Aerosmith. Hmm, that’s strange, I thought: the Spin Doctors on 105.9? What in the name of Eddie Van Halen is this? Then I heard it: the promo that marked the end of an era. As of 2 p.m. that afternoon, 105.9, as I knew it, was no more. It was now “The River” 105.9, playing “songs you know by artists you love.” I sat in a near-catatonic state as I listened in disbelief to a sequence consisting of Elton John, Sheryl Crow, Creed and Sting. This couldn’t be happening. This had to be a sick joke. Then I picked up the local paper and saw the headline in the Living section: “Longtime Rock Station says: ‘Out with AC/DC, in with Billy Joel.” I realized something at that moment: The music industry has hit rock bottom, folks. Today’s pop music scene makes the garish glam-rock ’80s look like a musical Renaissance.

Today’s music scene is a bigger joke than Paula Jones vs. Tonya Harding on FOX. Yes, I know that all you emo-loving, indie rock aficionados will argue there’s plenty of good music out there. Well, maybe there is, but 95 percent of America has yet to hear it. And now, thanks to the corporate takeover of radio and the TRL-ization of MTV, a generation of our youth is growing up never even having heard of such classic bands as Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd. And kiddies, the Aerosmith who sings “Fly Away from Here” is not the real Aerosmith. Even something as recent as 2000 is confined to irregular play on alternative rock radio. But while radio stations change format in hopes of some quick ratings-boosting, what they don’t realize is they are killing the music industry. The recent Grammy awards received a dismal rating. The MTV video music awards now regularly feature artists who have never had a video played on the channel before 1 a.m. It’s funny, though, because it seems as though the old stalwarts are still showing their longevity. While the Hanson brothers move ever-closer to having their own Behind the Music special, such bands as The Who continue to reassert their relevance. The success of the “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” soundtrack, which received zero airplay and zero hype, is a tribute to the fact that the market is ready for some music that’s not derived from the formula of one part teen-model, one part MTV hype and five parts “studio magic.”

Now I am no musical guru, despite my ever-growing collection of MP3s (1,334 and counting!), but when I had a chance to catch the new show on MTV called “The Osbournes,” it told me something about music today. The “reality sitcom” starring rock’s original madman, Ozzy Osbourne himself, is a stroke of programming genius. Take the notoriously insane Ozzy and film him, his wife and kids continuously for a few months, then sit back and watch as hilarity ensues. The result is one of the funniest half-hours of television to come along in a while (Cable! Now! Ahem … ). Now, could you imagine a 50-year-old Britney doing a show like this? Or what about a middle-aged Fred Durst? Somehow, I can’t see it happening, because the fact of the matter is today’s pop-music acts are nothing more than by-the-numbers, manufactured creations whose every move is determined by image consultants and record labels. Ozzy may be a madman, but at least he’s real. And that’s why he endures. Not to mention that he knows a thing or two about rock ‘n’ roll. Yet here he is, reduced to being a slightly more incomprehensible version of Herman Munster. Hilarious? Yes. Reassuring? No.

For all the controversy surrounding such pop acts as Michael Jackson and Madonna, these two have one thing sorely lacking in today’s teen queens and boy bands: talent. Any teenage girl with blond hair and a decent voice could have become Britney Spears (witness Christina, Mandy, Willah, Jessica, etc.). Any collection of marketable pretty-boys could have become the Backstreet Boys or *NSync (witness 98 Degrees, O-Town and, oh, forget it, ask your 7-year-old cousin for the rest; they’ll know). Back in the day, you had to buy a CD to get that one catchy song in your collection. But in today’s digital-download world, one-hit wonders just don’t sell albums like they used to. So MTV can turn Ozzy into a sitcom character, and that’s fine by me because it’s pretty darn funny stuff. But let it be known that they’re simply cashing in on the name of a verifiable rock ‘n’ roll legend, a man who, ironically, would be hard-pressed to get his latest song played on MTV at a reasonable hour. So it seems there’s a big enough audience out there for lame music that 105.9 — a Connecticut classic rock staple — can justify turning its back on a loyal audience to give the world just what it needs: more garbage on the radio. I guess I’ll just settle for listening to some classic rock, some modern stuff, a healthy dose of bad-yet-good ’80s stuff and, yes, maybe even the occasional Britney song (so … freaking … catchy … ) on my computer. For those about to rock, I salute you. All aboard!