Last semester, my professor asked our class to list our five favorite sports-themed movies. He said to leave Slap Shot off the list — it’s just a given.
I couldn’t help it. I just love Paul Newman as the player-coach of a group of goons. And Jack Hanson’s daughter sat next to me in high school chemistry.
This week, something remarkable happened. On Tuesday, the Slap Shot 25th Anniversary Special Edition DVD was released. Although I’m not all that excited about the restored soundtrack from the original theatrical release, I’m stoked for the Hanson brothers’ commentary and the behind-the-scenes making-of segment.
So, why didn’t I run out and buy the DVD the second it was available (aside from the fact that I don’t have my own DVD player)? This is where it gets uglier than the worst of Don Cherry’s blazers.
The DVD includes the brand-new, straight-to-video “Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice.”
(I’ll give you a second to moan … )
The plot: The Hanson trio has remained on the same minor league squad they were on in the original gem. The Chiefs are sold to a millionaire who decides it would be a good move to stick them in a bogus made-for-TV league where they are routinely humiliated. Somehow, I’m sure, the Hanson brothers will return the Chiefs to glory.
Reggie is gone. After all, Reggie was played by now-77-year-old Paul Newman, who not only wouldn’t make for a very realistic coach of the Charlestown Chiefs, but has some integrity. Enter Canadian actress/babe Jessica Steen as Coach Jessie.
Cool Hand Luke is out. The only female regular on the 1987 syndicated show “Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future” is in.
The oblivious sportscaster Jim Carr, in all of his toupee-sporting glory, is out. Enter Captain America, Chris Chelios, as the new sportscaster. Of course, Chelios is more than just a veteran on the blue line. He’s a seasoned movie star. Who could forget his thrilling party appearance in the captivating “D2: The Mighty Ducks Are Back”?
Rumor even has it that we get appearances from both the mustached icon of the NHL, Dave Babych, and the mullet icon of the NHL, Barry Melrose.
And to add insult to injury (two things I’m sure this sequel will not be without), Stephen Baldwin plays the lead role as the captain of the Chiefs. I didn’t think anything could turn me off as much as Stephen Baldwin in a Flintstones toga, but Stephen Baldwin in the sacred blue and gold Chiefs jersey is just enough to make pleasant little me turn more violent than a Hanson thug.
Weren’t any of the other Baldwin boys available? The man even gets top billing on the cover of the DVD. His icky mug is in the foreground while the three Hanson brothers stand behind him. Sacrilege. Absolute blasphemy.
I do feel kind of guilty for bashing the flick before I’ve seen it, but the direct-to-video status and the outcast Baldwin brother have to be pretty telling signs. The original cult classic featured an Academy Award-winning star, director and screenwriter. This movie hypes Gary Busey’s role as team owner.
Does the sequel mean disaster for the Hanson brothers? I doubt it. Universal couldn’t have spent too many loonies up in Vancouver shooting this thing, and plenty of Slap Shot junkies will purchase the DVD just to check out the sequel and see the special features. Slap Shot has been tattooed on the brains of puckheads for 25 years, and its posterity won’t be diminished by a lame, poorly cast mockery of the original.
The unveiling of the DVD coincides with a brand new Slap Shot exhibit at the Hockey Hall of Fame. Now, that’s cool. Jack, Jeff and Steve Hanson (along with their real-world characters Dave Hanson and Jeff and Steve Carlson) were just in Toronto for the premier of the movie and exhibit. The event was a charity affair to raise money for “Shoot for a Cure,” a hockey community campaign of the American and Canadian Spinal Research Organizations. Thick black glasses with even thicker lenses surely belong in the Hall.
The “Slap Shot Tribute” website, a favorite of crazed Hanson brothers fans, features a list of rejected slogans for Slap Shot 2:
1. Slap Shot 2: At Least Our Writer Is A Man.
2. Slap Shot 2: Hittin’ Rock Bottom.
3. Slap Shot 2: Continuing In The Fine Tradition of Sequels Started By Caddyshack 2.
4. Slap Shot 2: And They Said We Couldn’t Make A Fourth-Rate Movie About A Third-Rate Hockey Team!
5. Slap Shot 2: You Don’t Even Have To Leave Your Home to Watch It.
Here’s to hoping this list doesn’t garner more laughs than the movie itself. If anyone buys this thing, let me know. I’d be happy to join you. Maybe it’s one of those movies that are so bad they’re good. But, c’mon … Stephen Baldwin?