It’s time to “trim the fat” at Boston University. Acting President and Chancellor John Silber has decided to phase out 450 jobs from the University, and ordered a student gay/straight alliance at the BU Academy cut because it isn’t “germane” to the Academy’s purpose. Well, we at the ol’ Free Press are hardly ones to stand by and let our leader shoulder all the responsibility for removing the “dead wood” from our school. Here are our suggestions to make BU more streamlined, smooth and education-oriented.

BU football was a good start, but not enough. Students are wasting far too much time on ice hockey, basketball, soccer, and other successful sports. They’re cut. The intramural sports too — since when is teamwork or physical activity for all students an educational must? Recreational sports also have to go — no more beer pong, Beruit, or kegstand. Even solitary activities like late-night self-trysting must end in order to further our study habits.

And the best way to cut down on self-trysting? Eliminate campus females. Their pheromones and feminine wiles are far too distracting to allow males the time needed to hit the books. Sorry ladies, but you’re not as important as sitting down with Explorations in Molecular Biology.

Even the schools at Boston University aren’t completely dedicated to true learning. The College of Fine Arts — what does that teach? Playing instruments? You’re cut. School of Hospitality? Cut. School of Theology? Cut. It’s time to get back to the three R’s: Reading, ‘Ritin, and Regurgitation’.

Speaking of regurgitation, why not eliminate food as well? How much time do students waste stuffing their faces with corn dogs when they could be immersing themselves in Kant? When we say trim the fat, we mean it.

And finally, someone needs to cut The Daily Free Press. Because God knows we get no studying done here.