Attention, Jim Bronkite: I know this may not be the best place to do it, but I can’t hold my anger in any freakin’ longer. I want everyone who reads this to know what a loser you are, Jim Bronkite, and how much you screwed me over. It’s time for revenge, Bronky.

I cheated off you on our political geography exam a couple of weeks ago, and as you know we got them back yesterday. I got a D-minus jerk! Hey, Jim, what did you get? Oh, wait, I know, you got a D-minus, too! Your obvious confidence in your dumb answers falsely encouraged me to cheat off you, question-for-question, and this is the thanks I get in return. You are a liar with your physical emotions, Jim, a liar and a stupid idiot fake butt-tard.

There was a reason I sat next to you that morning, Jim, and it wasn’t your breath. Your relaxed manner and cocky twirl of the pencil made me truly believe you knew all the capitals in Eastern Europe, no problem. When you put on a pair of fashionable eyeglasses, I was convinced you were the one. I thought to myself, “This kid has his game face on. I’m going to cheat off him big time, and I’m going to get an A.”

Apparently your game face sucks at making you any good at multiple choice questions about the Soviet Union. I know this because you made me choose “USZX” instead of “USSR” for question 36. How stupid are you to not get that one? Everyone knows it’s the USSR! Had I actually read the question, I would have stood up and laughed at you in front of the whole class because you’re a moron. I guess you were just confident that you would fail, weren’t you, Jim? You knew you knew nothing, and you were cool with that. You were okay with failure — that’s the only logical explanation I can think of in my much larger and probably pinker brain. That’s pretty pathetic, Jim. You should try to be more like me and want to excel. Take some freakin’ pride in what you do, for God’s sake.

Some may say this grade is my own fault, but that is not true whatsoever. How can it be my fault when I didn’t come up with any of the answers myself? I also didn’t read the questions, so I was completely unaware I was being screwed over by Jim Bronkite — aka “the Toilet Brush.” I’m the victim here, and I think that’s pretty obvious.

I voiced my frustrations to a few of my now ex-friends, and they all asked me why I didn’t study and answer the questions myself. What am I, Jesus?

I can’t be the leader all the time; sometimes I need to let others lead and make the decisions. That’s all I was doing when I cheated off you, Jim — I was simply following your lead. Unfortunately, you’re such an idiot you shouldn’t even be leading lines to the cafeteria. I know that now, and I’ll slap you for it later.

Look, the reason I didn’t study for the stupid exam myself is because I had stuff to do, OK? I was really busy with some important business. Sometimes there is no time to study, and this was one of those times. Why didn’t you study, Jim? I got a valid excuse, what’s yours? I don’t think you have one, Jim, and that’s sad, because you need to get your priorities straight.

I gave you my secret trust as someone I’m willing to cheat off of and you blew it. I thought we were friends, but you stabbed me in the back with your lack of study. I thought we had a hidden connection of sorts, a yin-yang, cheater-cheatee kind of thing going on. I was obviously wrong. You broke my heart, Jim, you broke it good.

You embarrassed me so much I have no choice but to hunt you down and steal your girlfriend. The only reason I know you even have a girlfriend is because, like an idiot, you accepted my friend request on the Facebook. Big mistake — I will poke you until you bleed.

Your lies and double-crossings have left nothing but a sour taste in my mouth. I used to think cheating was a respectable venture, a quick and easy way to get ahead. I still think that now, but from here on out I will only cheat off women. Girls don’t lie about whether or not they know the material, like you did. If they know it, they are calm and collected. If they don’t, they generally cry. You turned me off to looking at a whole gender’s worth of answers, Jim. Way to go.

So I hope you’re happy, Jim Bronkite. I cheated off you, got a bad grade, can’t cheat off men anymore and am finally getting the justice I deserve for your wrong doings by publicly skewering you in a highly respected, campus-wide newspaper. Ha! Now everyone finally knows what an idiot you are. I’ll see you in class, idiot.

Zack Poitras, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].