We all know, of course, that Santa Claus is a lie, a vast conspiracy engendered by powerful secret societies with the aim of taking over the world. The beauty of it, of course, lies in the fact that it’s a double conspiracy. To the uninitiated, the conspiracy is merely foisted on the children, in order to scare them into good behavior so that adults will have time to drink wine, watch PBS and struggle to stay awake past 10.
But those of us in the know delight in the fact that the joke, as they say, is on the very same fibbing adults. Parents lie to their children and believe only they, the parents, know the truth. But, by believing that something is a lie, and perpetuating it as a lie, they reinforce the truth by not only not questioning it, but also by dismissing it as humbug.
And that is precisely what we want people to believe.
Back in college, at great peril of life and limb, I uncovered the Halloween Conspiracy. The main architects of the monstrous scheme were, of all people, dentists themselves, who created a huge candy cavity monster every year that they could happily kill in November, thereby enjoying a handsome profit for eliminating the troubles they themselves created.
Christmas has been decried by some as the ultimate capitalist conspiracy. Every year, it starts earlier and earlier, but this is not a new thing. No, Christmas is an institution literally several millions years old, and it’s reaching its zenith.
Every few years we conspirators try something new, dangling something out to test the waters, as it were. Remember the early ’90s, when Disney and other television channels would have “Christmas in July”? That was just a shot in the dark. It was the ’90s. We were all optimists. We were still hoping for a Jetson future. We were, alas, cocky. And, much like Sexy Rexy and his no-look passes, we just said hell with it, and boom! We tried to see if we could start Christmas six months early. Kids are dumb, and they like toys, so we overstimulated them just to see what would happen.
Well, we all know how Grossman fared, and, like him, we received our dose of hubris. So we regrouped and realized that six months was perhaps too much, even for the consumerist American public, which is grossly enamored of stuff. And that’s why we only have this mere three-month Christmas Spectacular Extravaganza Bonanza Holiday Season today.
But I digress. I set out to expose the Santa Claus conspiracy, and decry it for what it really is, thereby putting myself and my loved ones in utter peril. Aaron McGruder, the creator of The Boondocks comic strip, threatened to expose the conspiracy in his strip, but kept backing off. Whether his hesitation was due to fear or the product of a misguided attempt at garnering hush money, the world may never know. What we do know is that The Boondocks no longer runs, and all that is left of McGruder is a paltry Wikipedia page, which, rather curiously, omits mention of his current whereabouts.
Others have tried to defy Santa and have suffered similar fates, only some of which is available as hard evidence. But who would destroy the dreams of children like this? And who would do so in this, the ghastliest of ways, feeding them with hope only to ultimately destroy them?
The toy companies, you say! The manufacturers! The mega-conglomerates that profit from the sweat of the exploited and the toil of the oppressed! They’re the ones to blame! They’re the culprits, your honor! They have to be!
Aha. But that is exactly what she wants you to think.
Who is this she, you ask? Who is the monster behind the conspiracy?
After working ceaselessly for years, exposing myself to tremendous risk, foregoing peace and the right to quiet enjoyment of my life and property, losing three children (perhaps four, depending on the test results) and a wife, doing things no man should ever do, exaggerating little and omitting much of my adventure, condemning myself, perhaps, to an eternity in, if not hell, then at the very least a fairly comparable purgatory where only Danielle Steele novels and Mandy Moore movies are available, I have found the perpetrator.
The great Christmas conspirator, ladies and gentlemen, is none other than one Ms. Oprah Winfrey.
Her motivation? It’s simple. Like all talk show hosts, she wants to take over the world. Why do you think she is a confirmed and proud member of the Illuminati, the Technocrati, the Freemasons, the Opus Dei and the Men in Black?
The Santa Claus conspiracy is her greatest coup yet. By glorifying greed and perpetuating consumerism, she helps her own empire grow bigger than ever.
So how does she do it? Glad you asked.
The increased frenzy of the Christmas season creates much neurosis and agita. Maladjusted children want everything, and their harried mothers want everything to end. Eventually, they turn to the solace that is afternoon talk shows, led by none other than Oprah. There, they are alleviated by both the actual and vicarious acquisitions of blenders and Volvos (“You get a Volvo! You get a Volvo! You get a Volvo!”), items which are a mere pittance to Oprah. The minimal expenditures reap monumental benefits, as evidenced by her ever-expanding massive personal wealth and her gradual brainwashing of American mothers. She is building a force greater than any the world has ever seen, and the trumpet is about to sound.
Her empire is growing. As we speak, they are amassing — the housewife armies of the Oprah empire march upon us this day. Can’t you hear the rustling of the aprons? The clicking of the heels? The clatter of millions of rolling pins being picked up at the same time? If we fail to fight back now —
Damnation! It seems they have knocked down my door. I’ll head them off. You save yourselves while you still can.
Carlos Maycotte, a first-year student in the School of Law, has been a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].