Right now as we speak, there’s a war raging. It’s spilling into our homes, where the casualty list could involve our own children. The most frightening part is the enemies aren’t some foreign terrorists, but supposed ‘citizens’ of this nation. It could be anyone: the mailman, the nice foreign exchange student you’ve kept locked in your spare room for seven years or … even a loved one! This is the movie piracy war, coming to a theater near you well, never, because of those dirty communists who want to ruin the American way of life!
I don’t think I have to tell you that movie piracy does not affect the fat cats in Hollywood making millions a year, allowing them to afford the nicest cars along with the classiest, cleanest and most attractive prostitutes money can buy. It does however affect the little guys the set painter, the make-up person, the key grip and the poor sucker who has to get the coffee are all on the list. Pirates are stealing money from these people and are causing their families to suffer. Imagine coffee-man’s poor starving daughter, unable to cry because she is so dehydrated. I’m not sure if that’s even physically possible, but it’s horrible to think about, isn’t it?
The fact is, movie producers and executives are soul-less beings who feed on power and money. They get first grabs at the profit of the film, so they may fill the voids in their wretched, horrid lives. The extra money goes to those lowly slaves on the totem pole, who are just making ends meet. Now, when the pirates start stealing that expendable cash way from those hard-working slobs, who is going to pay them back? The producers and the executives? Unlikely, my friends! They need the money to survive and could never afford to give it to the peons doing grunt work. Of course, when I say afford, I don’t mean it in the traditional sense. If those executives don’t receive their daily cash allowance, they will explode. This will ultimately lead to Armageddon, and nobody wants that, right?
I can assure everyone, as a 20-year-old columnist and college student and not some studio executive assuming the identity of a 20-year-old college student, that you must stop your file sharing ways, or face a wrath so great your descendents will still live in the pain of it. Besides, downloading and uploading movies makes people Losers. Notice the capital ‘L?’ That’s because I mean business. I’m hip and with it, and trust me ‘fellas, that little lady is not going to find you all that attractive once she finds out about your digital piracy. The only way to win her heart is to take her out for a night on the town she’ll never forget: a dinner at the local pizzeria and the latest awesome release from Paramount or 20th Century Fox! Don’t forget, when she makes physical advances, just gently push her away saying, ‘Baby, I just paid $20 for this. We need to enjoy this, because movies are worth it!’ Trust me when I say she will respect you forever for that.
I’m not certain people understand the full scope of this. The Motion Picture Association of America tells us that only four out of 10 movies make a profit these days. Anyone want to hazard a guess why? That’s right, because those filthy, radical Bolsheviks want everything to be free. They think that there should be no ownership or copyrights. But let me tell you something, busters: we’re on to you. We know we, er I mean the studios, are releasing quality films. Pirates are claiming they are not at fault and people think that most films being released today are ‘trash.’ But we all know that the studios put out the finest product available. We also know that true, patriotic American citizens want to see every movie released either in a theater or in the comfort of their own home with studio-minted DVDs.
The complete and utter failure of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life was not because the film was a plotless, poorly directed, poorly shot and poorly acted action film (I assure you it was none of those things). It wasn’t even because of the poorly received sequel to the highly popular game the film was based upon failed, as it was initially thought. No, we now know that a small army of rapscallions was hell bent on sabotaging this beautiful piece of cinema. How anyone can defile Academy Award winner Angelina Jolie by <<
In closing, I would just like for people to think about the hard work that goes into making a film. There are the millions of dollars spent on wrangling big name stars in to stand there and say their lines. There’s also the task of making sure everyone is fed on time, and that’s not mentioning the cost of making things explode. No one can really appreciate the cost of a real good explosion these days. Besides, it costs nearly <<<<$30 million>>>> to market a film. These movies are so good that studios need to get the word out, and quick! We all know they wouldn’t try to market us a bad film by making it look spectacular through advertising.
Remember, movies they’re worth it!
Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. His email is quintinmarcelino @hotmail.com.