HAGEN: Pinot noir, hold the whip!

Starbucks turns the big 4-0 next month and how will it celebrate its impending midlife crisis? With booze of course! On Monday the coffee giant re-opened a Seattle store that will now serve local wine and beer. I, for one, am excited by this prospect because it eliminates the need for me to sneak my flask into the establishment. What? Do you think mere coffee gets me through my three-hour lectures?

The store has been completely redesigned to give it the feel of a trendy neighborhood caf?. Stools set up along the bar allow you to sit face-to-face with the employees who are foaming your drinks to perfection behind the counter. This new set-up now allows customers to continue to harass the baristas even after they get their coffee. “Seriously I said seven pumps of chai syrup, not six pumps and I am going to park my butt right here and let you know for the next hour!” Better yet the customers may also be liquored up, turning up the level of anger from annoyed to completely belligerent. What a fun and exciting concept this is going to be!

I talked to a friend who works in a BU campus Starbucks and who had no idea about the recent drink menu revamping. When I asked if it would be a viable option for the store to serve alcohol the immediate response was a promising, “That is such a bad idea.” When I informed her that this “bad idea” was being realized, finally after 20 seconds of pure horrified silence &- I counted, it was awkward &- the only word she could utter after recovering from the shock was a simple “why?” A question I believe is on most people’s minds.

According to the company, 70 percent of all sales occur before 2 p.m. and they are hoping the new beverage additions will increase afternoon and evening profits.

By serving beer and wine, Starbucks is also attempting to refresh its aging image. In the same vein as many adults when they reach the dreaded “over-the-hill” birthday, the store is trying to show they are still “hip” and “with-it.” It kind of feels like the Starbucks is your 45-year-old step-dad buying you and your high school friends a six-pack since, in his words, “just because I’m old doesn’t mean I’m out of touch, man!” It all makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.

This also begs the question of whether such a concept is feasible in the United States. The company claims that if the first test caf?s are successful then they will look to expand to more locations across the country. The problem is that the average American does not meet up with friends on a random afternoon for a cheese platter and a $9 glass of wine. They meet up for a coffee, which Starbucks already has covered pretty well.

Unlike Europe we do not live in a “wine bar” culture where enjoying a casual glass or two of wine is a daily pleasure for the majority of the population. If you do want a drink then that is what happy hour or two-buck chuck, sipped sadly all alone in your room, is for. In terms of Starbucks trying to present itself as a new artsy or trendy hotspot, it will never be seen as such. It has already implanted itself as an iconic and reliable brand from which people can get a predictable, albeit pricy, cup of coffee. Being “eccentric” or “artsy” is reserved for independent coffee shops, while being “unreasonably pretentious” is reserved for Espresso Royale.

I do think, however, this new concept would actually have the best chance if the company tested it out here at BU. It finally provides a place where college students can satisfy both their caffeine and alcohol addictions at the same time. The new Starbucks are also going to need sommeliers &- well, at least the SMG one most definitely will &- so calling all SHA kids! (Come on, we all know you are going to work at Starbucks post-grad anyway.) If the corporation really wants to increase profits it will also allow all 21-plus students to buy the wine and beer with Convenience Points. If this is ever the case, then whether macchiatos or merlot, the next round is on me…err…my parents!