HAGEN: Halloween, American style!

Last weekend I undertook a task that I think proves to be more futile to Americans than fighting a war in the Middle East &- explaining Halloween to a foreigner. The U.S. is not the only country that celebrates this holiday every Oct. 31, but it certainly has its own unique way of observing it, especially at the college level. When I tried to describe the proper dress code for the evening to a friend in France he clearly could not grasp the concept. “You are supposed to dress scarily,” he innocently exclaimed. “In college it’s sexily,” I corrected him. “Oh right, it’s America, so slutty.” Same thing.

Overall he just seemed fairly unimpressed by the whole ordeal, which I actually found very odd. Given the fact that Halloween is surrounded by the tradition of giving out handouts, I assumed the French would like it a lot more. They already give out welfare like it’s candy. This exhausting exercise made me realize that for foreign college students studying here who are unfamiliar with Halloween, this weekend will seem like a debauched, chaotic free-for-all, more reminiscent of a Hieronymus Bosch painting than reality. This is because that is exactly what it will be. In order to clear up any confusion as to the nature of this holiday, I present the following explanation of how non-citizens and citizens alike can fully enjoy the impending fright-fest.

First, the costume is absolutely crucial. You could dress as something traditional such as a vampire, a mummy or a ghost, but that is so unoriginal. Your best bet is to be something relevant and creative, but you also must be cautious about this. You could paint yourself blue and go as an Avatar, but only if you don’t want to get laid. Remember, college Halloween is not the same thing as Comic-Con.

Try taking a costume cue from politics. A simple NASCAR T-shirt instantly turns you into a member of the Tea Party and if you have an old witch hat lying around that could double as a Christine O’Donnell outfit. In the entertainment world, Brett Favre, or rather a certain appendage of his, has been the talk of the town thanks to some incriminating cell phone pictures. You can dress up as Favre’s own “up-rights” although it should be noted this costume works best if you are extremely short.

You could go as Antoine Dodson, star of the Auto-Tune Bed Intruder video but only if you want to repeat “hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife” endlessly all night. Speaking of musicians, Justin Bieber is another option, but I doubt you want to turn into the pied piper of Boston’s 14-year-old girl and pedophile population. Finally, you could go as a cast member of “Jersey Shore” but only if you want to wear a costume that screams, “I think I’m funny, but all my jokes are actually old and lame!”

So, now that you have a costume, what do you do and where do you go? Trick-or-treating is recommended for the pre-college crowd, which is ironic since due to the average student’s level of poverty, anything free is always appreciated. Anything edible and free is particularly desirable and it is very possible to live off a steady diet of candy corn, Kit-Kat bars and Starbursts, assuming of course that you don’t mind scurvy. There is a hierarchy among these free treats as well, with large size versions of bars such as Snickers and Three Musketeers at the top and pennies, McDonalds’ coupons and those wrapped hard candies usually found in the candy dishes of nursing homes at the bottom. Feel free to find your closest family-friendly neighborhood and fill up a pillowcase with all the candy you can, although I highly recommend that while trick-or-treating you eschew the Favre costume idea. That one will not score you a touchdown with parents. More like a restraining order.

Most likely you will end up at a party. If you think this particular gathering will be no different than your average college rager then you could not be more wrong. The ability to wear a costume and become a different person allows people to cast off all inhibitions. I have also noticed that masks allow for even the ugliest people at parties to have a chance with their comelier classmates. For the above-21 crowd, bars often hold costume contests with some pretty sizable cash prizes. If you enter a competition and win by using one of my above costume suggestions I expect a cut of the reward so please find me (hint: I’ll be wearing a mask).

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays because it allows for unique identity fluidity. When choosing a costume, age, gender and race can be completely cast aside and for one night &- or in college an entire weekend &- you undergo a total transformation. The rest of the world may scoff at our Oct. 31 shenanigans but in the U.S., a country built on the idea that you can become whatever your want to be, I think we see this great American value as an underlying theme in Halloween and so we are willing to embrace the holiday. Or maybe we just really, really like candy. Either way, happy (sexy) haunting!