PEARSON: Trust

I was at a party this past weekend, somewhere in South Campus, and I was dancing with this girl who had definitely gotten her money’s worth from the cost of the price of admission, if you know what I mean.  She was clearly interested, given the fact that her hands wandered downward during the song.  As someone who is currently dating, (Alex and I are still steadily crawling toward something monogamous), I could consider this action inappropriate.  But, as the old adage goes, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.  After all, what’s a little harmless dancing, if both participants know it’s not going to go any further?

This is part of a bigger issue that involves trust within a relationship.  Watching old episodes of “Cheaters,” or listening to podcasts of radio shows that specialize in catching adultery often exposes the simple fact that perhaps one member of the party wasn’t so clear on their version of monogamy.  These uncomfortable situations, (and excellent television moments) could all have been avoided if couples simply sat together and had a good old-fashioned chat about their alliance.  Many times, men would deny they had agreed to monogamy, or women claimed that they had never discussed an open relationship.  Much like the terms of surrender, the terms of a relationship need to be carefully laid out, otherwise there is room for confusion.

It’s serendipitous that this party happened so recently, as Alex and I have now had two very honest conversations about the status of our relationship (I didn’t even initiate them; clearly, he must be a reader).  Here we are, at a sort of dating crossroas; certain milestones haven’t yet been crossed, but our intrepid explorers are still considering a forward charge.

So, there we are, sitting by Starbucks in the George Sherman Union, when he asks, “Is this a relationship?”  I was intrigued.  This simple question told me two things: first, this is probably one of his first relationships.  The terminology used, and the fact he asked so prematurely, told me everything I needed to know.  Second, this meant he was interested in committing to something, but not the oh-too-common ‘friends that end up going out on one date, but then realize they’re better suited for a friends-with-benefits’ arrangement.

This is the type of trust and honesty that I’m encouraging.  Alex took a shot, trying to define our situation so there would be no confusion during public introductions as either “friend” or “boyfriend.”  Even though it was an awkward conversation to have, it was ultimately a positive experience.  We came to the mutual agreement that we would continue dating for a little longer, and have another chat to discuss titles in the near future.  Between you and me, I don’t see why this couldn’t become something serious.  I guess we’ll see.

Luke,

I am a guy who’s friends with this girl.  She is really hot but I don’t think I like her like that.  We’ve started making out at parties for fun and when I talk about it she says it’s all just fun and it doesn’t mean anything.  Is that weird?  I like making out with her and it’s cool that she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend.  Sometimes I feel weird about it, like she is my friend and now we get drunk together just so we can hook up.

Hooking Up Not Great

Your letter is interesting, HUNG, and I thank you for writing in.  I am assuming that you are a straight guy, as it seems that only the gays like to qualify themselves as gay when writing to me.  So, you’re in a friendship that involves hooking up.

Do friends kiss friends?  In my experience, there are varying degrees of friendship, ranging from platonic connection, to friends-with-benefits, to genuine romantic attraction, to a monogamous relationship.  And ultimately, HUNG, it’s difficult to pinpoint where you land on the friendship spectrum, (hence the need for the honest conversation I wrote about above). So why not take a moment to discuss how you feel about one another, as sexual partners, as friends and as a romantic unit.  Although I always encourage the use of a little bit of alcohol as a conversation starter, this conversation should absolutely happen after no more than two drinks.

If there is any sort of mismatch in any of the categories, one of you will need to compromise your feelings to achieve the best outcome, which sounds like somewhere between platonic friends, and a purely sexual experience.  My biggest piece of advice to you, HUNG, is to cherish the friendship first, as it takes time and trust to create and cultivate a true friendship, while finding someone to make out with is as simple as walking down Ashford Street on a Thursday night.

Luke Pearson a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at lpsexquestions@gmail.com