FRIEDMAN: Where Them Girls At?

I have a confession. I’ve been thinking a lot about my last article, and I’ve decided my perspective was a little biased. I mean, yeah, I was still right. There are undoubtedly hundreds, thousands, maybe even billions, of girls at Boston University searching for Mr. Right. But I can’t just focus on that fact alone.  BU men are just as in need of care and affection as us betches.

Which brings me to part two of my “How to Find Love?” article special. You’re getting your words of wisdom straight from the horse’s mouth. And this horse happens to be a professional dater. (Lucky you!)

So men, let’s begin. I know you all try to expose a rough-and-tough exterior, but I know better. You’re all cuddly little teddy bears on the inside. Deep, deep, deep on the inside.

But I digress.

It’s pretty clear that the one thing you fellahs really want out of your college experience is a woman. The Juliet to your Romeo. The Beauty to your Beast. The Coco to your Ice-T.

You want a gal with brains, beauty and a heart of gold—some lovely lady lumps probably couldn’t hurt either.

How does one acquire such a golden girl you may ask? Well boys, a man does not acquire—he hunts. Let’s not forget, you descended from hunters—chasing prey is in your blood. So if those cavemen could rack up dem biddies in loincloths, I’m fairly confident you burly boys can do the same in your pumped up Nike kicks.

But where can you find this girl of your dreams? Well, definitely not at Raising Cane’s. So stop going. Instead, consider joining a yoga class—where the most eligible (and flexible) bachelorettes congregate. However, finding the perfect woman isn’t always about where you look, but how you look. This is where I come in. Gentleman, behold:

The 11-Step Guide to Getting Wifed Up.

#1: Nix the whole “manly-man” routine. That is so 2010. If you want to buy yourself a girlie drink, by all means, go for it. Appletini? Cheers! Frozen margarita? Sounds like a fiesta in a glass. Seriously guys, buy whatever drink you want. We’re not going to judge you. We’re not going to think you’re less masculine simply because you’re sipping a pink concoction from a sugar-rimmed glass. Come on, that would just be cruel of us.

#2: Don’t bother holding the door for us. Also don’t bother buying us a drink (even though that Appletini sounds really, really good). Chivalry is dead—and it should be (I think Casey Anthony killed it).

#3: If it’s tight, it’s right. Tights pants are SO hip. Keep it up! Why leave your junk to the imagination, when you can just put it all out there in a nice little package of ultra-wash denim?

#4: Don’t respect us: we don’t want it! Ask us to do things for you—we just want to cater to your needs! Examples of appropriate female tasks include: making sandwiches, offering oral pleasuring during footballs games/video games, making sandwiches. Did I leave anything out?

#5: Tell us we look fat in those jeans. Seriously, we want to know. Remember: honesty is the best policy (Am I right, Casey Anthony?!)

#6: Be yourself around us, no exceptions. Farting? Bring it. Belching? You chug that soda, baby. Adjusting your downstairs chestnuts, publically? UM, yes please. I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it. What’s sexier than a man not on his best behavior?

#7: No means yes. Example: Male asks, “Are you upset?” Female answers “No.” LIES. You bet your left chestnut she’s upset.That’s pretty much the only example I can think of to satisfy #7. Wait . . . were you thinking of something else?

#8: “I love you” is for wimps. She needs to believe you’re emotionally vacant. That’s how you maintain your superiority (see #2).

#9: Be inconsistent. Women are very rational creatures— you need to shake up their routine. Call infrequently, reply to texts minimally, and always “forget” to write on her wall after she writes on yours. Seriously, keep that betch in check.

#10: If you really like her, don’t ask her on a formal date. That feeds into the whole “doing nice things for her” routine, which completely contradicts the foundation of male superiority.

#11: Her body is a temple. But you have an all-access pass! Assume she wants to fool around all the time, because let’s face it—that’s what she’s here for. Kidding! (And sandwiches).

So dudes—did you absorb all of that? Make sure these tips penetrate deep, because that’s really the best way to win the girl of your dreams. With attention to detail and determination, this 11-step guide will help you bring your sexy back. Just like Justin Timberlake. Although that my physically and mentally superior male readers, is for another article.

Samantha Friedman is a senior at the College of Arts & Sciences and a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at samtf@bu.edu.