I was on a date with this girl last weekend and it was going really well. We were having a good convo and I felt like this could really be the start of something serious, but yesterday she texted me that “she’s just looking for friends right now.” After we talked on the phone, she told me that she never considered it a date. She thought we were just at a friend dinner. Is it over?
Not Looking for Friends
I held on to your question, NLFF, for a while, and I’m really glad that I did. You see, Oliver and I experienced the same issue this past weekend. Everything about our evening felt like a date, (the restaurant he picked had a “romantic” feel to it), but it all crashed and burned when I moved in for a kiss at the end. Now, between you and me, I can’t remember the last time I went out to a $100 dinner with a friend, but apparently this is the norm for ol’ Oliver.
I’m not going to blame him entirely, of course. After all, we did meet on Grindr, so perhaps it was doomed to fail. Neither of us was clear about our expectations of the relationship from the start, which is part of the reason that your “friend date” also didn’t work out. Next time you ask a girl out to dinner, NLFF, make sure you set the scene for her. Make sure that she knows that there is a romantic undertone to the evening from the moment you pick her up from her West Campus penthouse. Subtle cues like pulling her chair out, asking if she wants to taste your entrée, minimizing the physical space between you two, etc.. This creates an aura of intimacy around the whole evening.
You say you aren’t looking for friends, NLFF, which is interesting as well, since I said the exact same thing to Oliver. Your final phone call with this girl sets the tone for the rest of the friendship/relationship. By letting her know exactly what you are looking for, and also reaching out to her one final time for the opportunity to restart the relationship, you are shifting the power in the relationship to her while simultaneously giving her an ultimatum. This is an interesting power play where you risk virtually nothing, and if she isn’t interested, the worst outcome is that you don’t see her again.
Remember, there are millions of girls in the city of Boston. If you don’t have a long history with this girl, and she doesn’t feel the same way as you do, I would encourage you to move on. Remaining friends with Oliver would only keep bringing up whatever feelings I have for him, only to have those hopes dashed after every (expensive) “friend date.”
Is it weird that I buy myself a rose on Valentine’s Day? I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I don’t think I’ll have one this year.
Always For A Rose
Sigh . . . I love Valentine’s Day, but I can’t remember the last time I was in a relationship that lasted long enough over V-Day to merit any gift-giving. (And I think it’s a cheap tactic for freshman girls to start dating some guy in early February just for the expensive dinner and chocolate). I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: There is nothing wrong with taking yourself out on a date! Sometimes, I have a few hours on a weekday afternoon to take myself to the movies. This isn’t strange; it’s sometimes necessary!
So, AFAR, buy yourself the biggest bouquet you can find, and stuff your self with chocolate. It’s good for you.
Luke Pearson is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at lpsexquestions@gmail.com.
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