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To the victor go to the spoils

There is an epidemic being spread throughout the United States and Canada. Open up any sports section and something small but hideous will be lurking. I am not referring to Bob Ryan’s mug shot. I’m talking about the two superfluous columns in the National Hockey League’s standings.

Being astute hockey fans, we know that “W” represents the times our team has made us happy. The letter “L” signifies the number of times we’ve vowed never to watch another game until the general manager cleans house. The letter “T” is the number of times we feel ambivalent. What is a good tie? Are some ties better than others? The only thing we’re sure of is that whoever proposed a game with no winner and no loser was drinking something a lot stronger than Gatorade from Lord Stanley’s Cup.

That brings me to the hideous growth of “OTL” or overtime losses. What in the name of Toe Blake is that thing doing there? Last year the NHL decided to award one point to the team that makes it to sudden-death overtime and loses. This is a nice parting gift, but that’s not hockey. When did Gary Bettman become Monty Hall anyway? It’s high time the NHL resigned to the fact that when fans go out to see a game, they don’t care about diplomacy. After three hours of chanting and taunting, we want a decision.

North Americans need closure.

There are no ties in baseball. The only ties in basketball are the ones that adorn the neck of a head coach. A tie in football occurs with the frequency of a World Series win on Yawkey Way. But there are ties on a daily basis in the NHL. The head honchos are blind to the fact that a draw is not a valiant result. The other major sports exterminated that type of thinking years ago. In the regular season, there is realistically only one option to eliminate deadlocks. Each team chooses its five best scorers and a shootout determines the winner. If the NHL still wishes to continue its democratic point distribution, fine. Give one point to the loser of the shootout. Just as long as each game produces a winner and a loser every night.

The NHL has failed miserably in its attempt to cut down on the absurd number of ties. For the last two seasons the overtime format has been four-on-four rather than the standard five-on-five in hopes of creating more open ice for the stars to wheel and deal. They hoped to increase scoring, but the evidence suggests that ties are just as prevalent now as ever.

The 1998-99 season was the last season that overtime was played with five skaters per side. There were 162 ties, which amounts to 14.6 percent of all games played. In 1999-2000, the first year of four-on-four overtime, there were 146 ties in 1,148 games for a percentage of 12.7, hardly earth shattering efficacy.

The epidemic is even worse this year. A lower percentage of games that go to overtime produce a winner than they did last season.

Jaromir Jagr has advocated four-on-four as an antidote to scoring woes. The problem is that no matter how many players are plucked off the ice, there are coaches like Jacques Lemaire who make a career of stifling offenses. There will always be some kind of system like the neutral zone trap or the left wing lock that chokes off playmakers’ abilities.

Besides, the players’ union would never allow the NHL to become more four-on-four oriented. This would make way for the genocide of role players and goons. These roles would be rendered obsolete. Players like Krzysztof Oliwa and Gino Odjick would have to fall back on their basket weaving degrees. What would be gained in speed and creativity would be lost in mucking and fighting.

A penalty shot is the most exciting play in all of sports. Peter Forsberg’s dipsy-doo against Corey Hirsch in the 1994 Olympics was put on a stamp in Sweden. There is nowhere to hide. The shooter going mano a mano with the goalie while the crowd is on its feet is the ultimate test of mettle. Fans would actually root for ties at the end of regulation rather than abhor them.

Whether or not shootouts are a cheap way to end a regular season game is not the issue. The real issue is that shootouts are the only feasible way the NHL can produce a winner in every game without dragging overtime into the wee hours.

The NHL can appease its fans by saying hello to shootouts and goodbye to sister-kissing.

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