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THE PANTOMIME HORSE: The Divergence Resurgence… Redux

Boston University! All of us here at the Student Union hope your Spring 2002 semester is shaping up to be your best semester ever! Yeah! After a little internal “reshuffling” and “resignations in the face of academic neglect,” we’re ready and raring to go with a comprehensive list of programs and initiatives, all of which we plan to drive deep into the ground with the powers of inadequate leadership! As always, the interests of you, the students, are our number four priority — right behind fame, constant newspaper coverage and snazzy ties — and we look forward to making sure nothing gets done, helping students be more apathetic and making the Boston University experience the best college experience possible! You can tell we’re excited about doing this because we use so many exclamation points!!! Fantastic!

Today, we’d like to unveil the Boston University Student Union’s cocaine fantasy for Spring 2002: The Divergence Resurgence … redux! Hear that flushing noise, kids? It’s your Undergraduate Student Fee, twirling ever closer to the abyss! Awesome!

Campus Events:

Danielsen Dance: The Student Union Squandering Council is excited and pleased to bring you a new campus-wide semi-formal, held in the basement of luxurious Danielsen Hall! Be sure to wear your whitest whites so the rust spots on the walls can find a new home in your closets! With over 20 students expressing feigned interest, the Danielsen Dance promises to be one of our largest and most well organized events ever! But if you get raped while crossing the Stony Brook Conduit, don’t bother coming — we’ll be having too much fun to console you! Remember, the Student Union is not about rape counseling centers — it’s about dancing! Excellent!

Did You Know?: This is a semester-long campaign to let the student body know it actually has a Student Union that sometimes represents them! We’ll post fun facts about ourselves like, “Did you know we get hundreds of thousands of dollars of your money each year?” and, “Did you know we exist?” Check out one of our “Free Expression Boards” for more info — that is, if you can see the pertinent announcements through all the Spring Break flyers! Why don’t we put up community bulletin boards like every single Senate slate has promised to do for the past three years? I don’t know! Go Terriers!

The Officer Auction: The Student Union proudly presents this daring dusk of degradation — come and bid on your favorite campus leaders sold at top dollar! The officers will toil for you for free for one week becoming your very own “BU Bondservant!” Here at the Student Union, we truly believe in the ideals of egalitarianism and equality, which is why we will not discriminate based on race, creed or sex! We can’t seem to get the administration to add sexual orientation to the discrimination clause, but we sure can make sure our little slave auction is run properly! Peachy keen!

BUnited Campus Cavort-a-thon: Once again, we have organized the biggest and bestest on-campus event in the history of Boston University, scheduled right when you need it the most! We’ll be patting ourselves on the backs for this one for years to come! You asked for it! Here it is! It’s Jell-o Wrestling.

Check Out These Initiatives:

The BUreaucracy Brunch: We here at the Student Union know you can’t have bread and circus without bread — or pancakes! Why sit down to air your grievances with administrators who make their distrust and contempt for their students painfully obvious when you can just sit down to eat home fries with them? We guarantee there won’t be much discussion of pertinent issues because everyone will be too busy noshing! Boss!

We are also working hard with the various presidents and deans in order to provide Boston University students with a full and enriching college experience. We’ve got a team of code-breakers working ’round the clock, trying to decipher what, exactly, is “the thing” that will most satisfy the BU student population — “the thing” that the University doesn’t have to do for the students, but really, really wishes they could do. After months of intercepting coded radio signals about “the thing” coming from the chancellor’s office, we’ve managed to get this statement: “We must eat their flesh to revitalize our spirit.” Whoa, chancellor! Sure, BU DOES need more school spirit, but what will our vegan friends say about this?!? See? This is why we need to have more dialoguing! Huzzah!

Before we go, we just want to emphasize that this semester’s Student Union will be taking small, realistic steps toward the BIGGER goal. If you don’t notice anything we do, then our plan is working! But don’t worry — you will see results. Or at least hear us talk about maybe trying to get some of them.

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