Two days ago, the Massachusetts Public Interest Research Group leveled an attack on Kraft Foods, claiming the company uses untested and unlabeled genetically engineered products that could cause allergic reactions and antibiotic resistance.
Now, we here at the ol’ Free Press aren’t biology majors, but we know a health hazard when we see it.
Take Cheetos, for example. These crunchy treats are packed with far too much cheesy goodness — so much that they have 12-year-olds clutching their chests all the way to fat camp. Are we to stand idly by while a cartoon cheetah brainwashes our children into doubling their weight? Well, yes. We’ve got other things to do at the moment.
But, how about Twinkies? Those miniature logs of spongy cake, oozing with cream, able to be stuffed into the mouth effortlessly, whereupon they melt like ice cubes in the sun … there is nothing wrong with them. Go out and buy some.
OK — Oreos. We know they’re deadly, right? They’re used in a stacking competition involving the erection of teetering towers of cream-filled confections — simply evil. Those cookies could fall and seriously injure someone. On the other hand, they do cause people to dance around in their socks to a rip-off of an unintentionally hilarious New Kids on the Block song: “O-R-E-O-o! O-R-E-O! O-R-E-O-o! The white stuff!” Ain’t nothing wrong with that!
Never fear, dear reader. We will discover which foods can kill or maim you. We will be tenacious in our hunt for fearsome foodstuffs. But first, we’re going to finish eating our potato chips, complete with olestra. We heard somewhere they’re good for you.
This is an account occasionally used by the Daily Free Press editors to post archived posts from previous iterations of the site or otherwise for special circumstance publications. See authorship info on the byline at the top of the page.
