HOOK: Letters from the back line

Ordinarily, I don’t have time to respond to the fan(s) who write me letters, but I decided to use this Spring Break to sit down and respond to a couple of questions I seem to get time and time again. If your question didn’t get answered . . . who am I kidding? These are all the questions I’ve ever received:

Our first letter comes to us from Jess in Warren Towers. Jess writes:

Dear Justin,

How do come up with your columns each week?

Your biggest fan,

Jess

Dear Jess:

Great question, I get this one a lot. It’s not easy, let me tell you. Sometimes stories just fall into my lap, like last week’s column (“Life in the fat lane: What it’s like to get a lap dance from a morbidly obese woman,” Feb. 30, p. 8.) Other times, I have to dig deep, back to stories from earlier in my life. I try to keep them as recent as I can, but every once in a while, I have to go way back in the archives. Remember my Jan. 24 column, “Circle circle, dot dot, girls have cooties? not!” about my adventures in pubescence? That story actually took place like three years ago. Did you notice? I bet not! But don’t be jealous. My mom says I’m an early bloomer.

But when you say “come up with,” it makes it seem as though you think I’m making some of this up. You’ve got some nerve, Jess — if that is your full and legal name. But rest assured, you could not be further from the truth. Every word of this column is told exactly the way the events happened in real life.

Jess: What about the time you said you “totally did Marilyn Monroe”?

Justin: What the hell? It’s beyond the laws of physics for you to be interjecting into my own column as I’m writing it. How is this happening?

Jess: It’s quite possible you’ve gone mad.

Justin: I’ve considered that – I do enjoy making felt hats now and then. But let me clarify about the Marilyn Monroe thing. What I meant was, I once saw her. You know, like when someone says they’ve “done Boston” to mean they’ve seen the sights? That’s what I meant. I meant I saw her. Well, a photo of her. Or maybe it was Lindsay Lohan. Oh my gosh, they are so alike, right?

Jess: OK, but what about the time you said you “slept with the original Becky from Rosanne.”

Me: What I meant was that I used to fall asleep with the TV on.

Jess: Besides, wasn’t her replacement more attractive anyway? Wasn’t it that girl Elliot from Scrubs?

Me: That may be so.

Jess: And explain this one, “Yes, ladies and germs, I once had sexual intercourse with Condoleezza Rice.”

Me: Jess, Jess. Simple Jess. Let me break it down for you. Sometimes, instead of saying “ladies and gentlemen,” as is traditional, I say, “ladies and germs.” You see, comedy is all about the unexpected. You expect one thing, so I give you another, and it creates comedy.

Jess: Trust me, we don’t expect comedy from you.

Me: Well then, it’ll be all the funnier when you do get it. You see

Jess: You still didn’t explain about the Condoleezza part.

Me: You still didn’t explain why you were such a tramp!

Jess: Me? I’m just a figment of your imagination. You’re the one who still eats his boogers at the age of 20.

Me: 20 and a half! All right – this has gone on long enough.

Jess: You never saw a doctor about that flu, did you?

Me: What?

Jess: You’re delirious.

Me: Some women find that . . . charming.

Well, I hope that answers your question, Jess. Our next letter comes to us from Chris from Atlanta. Chris writes:

Un-dear Justin,

I think you should apologize for the racist comments you made a few weeks ago (“All people from Georgia are illiterate baboons,” Feb. 31, p. 8). I happen to be from Georgia, and consider myself to be plenty smart. What happened, did a girl from Georgia reject you? She probably did. I bet you’re a terrible person in real life. Just like your column is every Thursday.

Your biggest fan,

Chris

Dear Chris:

Thanks for your letter! My editor thought your ending was a little inappropriate – and I’m pretty sure physically impossible – so I changed it a little. I hope you don’t mind.

I fail to understand how my comments could be construed as “racist,” since Georgia is a state, not a race of people, and not predominately of a single race. However, I should point out that I was referring not to Georgia the state, but rather to the country of the same name. That country happens to have the highest literacy rate in the world, which is why it was fit for a joke about illiteracy.

What you should be concerned about is my redundancy. All baboons are illiterate. There was no need for me to repeat it. How could you miss that? You must be from Georgia after all, you degenerate hillbilly.

And to answer your question, no, a girl from Georgia has never rejected me. That’s like asking if a rich kid has ever been rejected by BU. It’s never happened.

Well, I hope that satisfies you, Chris. If any one else out there would like me to answer a question for them, please, send me a letter. I’m always more than happy to not have to think of an idea on my own. And if you think having only received two letters is pathetic, you should write me one yourself. Just be sure to include your name, address and which type of bee you are most allergic to.

Justin Hook, a junior in the College of Communication and College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at jbhook@bu.edu.