Beware of global warming, Kevin Costner

Riddle me this: What political issue has managed to procure an Academy Award, a cable TV channel and a color of the rainbow? That’s right, folks. It’s time to talk about the environment. It seems as though everyone these days is obsessed with conserving, composting and cutting carbon footprints. Not that I’m hating on it – environmental awareness is an excellent cause and one that should be taken seriously. However, from watching countless hours of the Discovery Channel, I think it’s commonly agreed that the world as we know it will, at one point, succumb to global warming and become a barren wasteland.

Now, not to be a Debbie Downer about the apocalypse or anything, but I think that it’s pretty clear the future is going to suck. But what kind of fate will be in store for us? This question has plagued my mind for a long time. I mean, it’s not like some giant apocalypse will be swooping down tomorrow morning when I’m eating my Pop-Tarts; we’ll all be long gone before this world goes to you-know-where in a handbasket. Regardless, I’ve come up with two safe bets as to how our lovely Mother Earth will suddenly become a destructive wasteland. Of course, because my mind works entirely in terms only related to pop culture, they are based on two big-budget action films from a long time ago: ‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome’ and ‘Waterworld.’

For those of you who have been living under a rock and don’t know these two mainstays of the action genre, I’ll catch you up.

‘Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome,’ starring a heavily mullet-ed Mel Gibson, tracks the titular character as he scrounges his way through a world made up almost entirely of desert. Mad Max, in his quest to find civilization, lands in a renegade town that has no laws, lots of violence and a court system made up of the ‘Wheel of Fortune’ wheel. The whole audience gets the grand treat of a sweaty, young, pre-anti-Semitic Mel toting various large artillery weapons and taking out various henchmen with tattoos, scars and eye patches. ‘Waterworld’ has almost the exact same premise as ‘Mad Max,’ but instead of killing people with eye patches while searching for water, a young, heavily mulleted Kevin Costner kills people with eye patches while searching for the only land that hasn’t been submerged underwater.

In essence, ‘Waterworld’ adopts the idea that the polar ice caps will melt enough to the point where almost every single square inch of the earth will be one large ocean, and ‘Mad Max’ believes that the ozone layer will be eaten away enough to remove every plant fiber the planet, leaving it almost completely desert. Either way, fun times, right?

Now, it’s just a question of which one will strike first. There are many signs which point to either, especially in the recent years. Scientists across the globe are panicking as you read this, wondering how many more minutes are ticking on the good ol’ Doomsday Clock before we start to really feel the effects of an environmental crisis. And trust me – there’s a lot to worry about.

According to environmental scientists, the Earth’s ozone layer depletes at a steady rate of 4 percent each decade. Of course, many new technologies, refineries and automobiles emit harmful chemicals which contribute to the gaping ozone hole hovering over the Arctic Circle. One of the main effects of gradual ozone depletion is increased UV radiation, which deeply affects the health of both people and crops. Those who survive the environmental apocalypse will undoubtedly face the constant threat of cancer as well as cataracts (thus, I suppose, all the eye patches in ‘Mad Max’ were scientifically accurate). Combined with UV fires and acid rain that could take out the rest of plant life, civilization could be thrown into a permanent desert without a constant source of food, water and healthy protection – but that is not the only apocalyptic option.

On the other hand, dangerous weather changes resulting from increasing carbon emissions point much more in the ‘Waterworld’ direction. As more toxic carbon is released into the air, the temperature of the overall climate increases, causing global warming. Although the overall climate only warms to about a degree greater than before, the impacts are severe. Warming immediately leads to changes in the weather pattern to produce greater hurricanes like Hurricane Kenna in 2002 and Hurricane Katrina in 2005. Also, the eventual disintegration of the ice buildup at both the North and South Poles can unleash a massive flood. In no uncertain terms, the entire world could be submerged in water runoff from the former ice caps and leave no trace of land. Pretty scary, right?

Although we will not have to go through these kinds of radical changes in our lifetime, I think the mere idea of them (or the movies made about them) is enough to steer me toward a more environmentally conservative lifestyle. So walk a little more, cut down on using water and, gosh darn it, recycle a can once in a while. Your healthy, happy, mullet-less great, great, great grandchildren with two eyes will thank you for it.