REMMERT: Morning-after music

I love mixtapes. More than likely, you do, too (I hope). They are perfect little reminders to the ones we have feelings for of exactly what those feelings are. But, in college, we often find ourselves in relationships that last less than 24 hours (specifically, the part of 24 hours called night). So, why is there no ‘One-Night Stand Mixtape?’ Well, because the idea is patently ridiculous. But who cares? Let’s make one.

Now, God forbid this crossed your mind, but do NOT include James Blunt’s ‘You’re Beautiful.’ It’s just an awful song, saying nothing of its practical merits in our exercise. So no. You cannot see her face in a crowded place and not know what to do.

Instead, the perfect ‘One-Night Stand Mixtape’ starter is a song by The Matches called ‘A.M. Tilts.’ The song lilts with a morning hangover, plus the opening verse typifies the process you probably went through getting in the pants of this girl. So start with that. Next up is acknowledging the fact that you are probably not the caliber of guy she would’ve hooked up with sober. What song exemplifies this? ‘Dirty Little Secret,’ by The All-American Rejects. It’ll at least make her think about lying to her girlfriends and saying she went home early and alone

So, now that you’ve comforted (read: confused) her about last night’s activities, give her something a little sensitive, but still unforgiving. Try ‘The Twist,’ by Scottish folksters Frightened Rabbit, which is a loving song that also acknowledges that in the height of passion, she probably shouted her ex’s name. Bummer. At least she was shouting something! Now that you’ve gotten sensitive out of the way, time to recount the evening’s events.

First up is Andrew W.K.’s ‘Party Hard,’ which will at least make her wax poetic about the fact that she had way too much to drink. Then hit up The Arctic Monkeys’ ‘I Bet That You Look Good on the Dancefloor,’ which might actually describe how you met this girl two or three light-years out of your league. Next up comes the walk home; Bright Eyes’ ‘Lover I Don’t Have to Love.’ It’s depressing, I know, but let’s be honest; it’s a damn sexy song. She probably doesn’t want to love you either, so the song fits.

Now, on the off chance you have small feelings for this lovely sorority girl, throw in Katy Perry’s smash hit ‘Hot N Cold.’ It will let her know you got feelings, but damn it, you will not let her walk all over you. If she remembers your name/phone number, you’ll probably at least get one date out of this. Plus, if that song doesn’t get your toe tapping, you don’t have a pulse.

So, those are the required songs. Now that I’ve gotten you started, you just need to add in a few personal touches. Try the first couple of songs you danced/grinded to. This will probably be Flo Rida’s ‘Right Round’ or Kanye’s ‘Heartless’. . . very sentimental. Dude, you are so in (again)!