FADEM: BU’s superhero athletes

It seems like at least once every three months there is an ‘epic’ superhero movie released. Recently, it seems like most of these movies end up being huge disappointments. The most recent example of this is ‘The Watchmen.’ I didn’t see it, but I know there’s a completely blue guy in it who isn’t Tobias F’uuml;nke, some girl who wears spandex and a hero who looks like one of the killers from the movie ‘The Strangers’.’

This got me thinking, which Boston University athletes could be superheroes, and which ones would they be? So, without further ado, I present to you my list of BU’s Superhero Athletes. I apologize for leaving many athletes and superheroes off the list, but the world can only have so many idols.

Let’s start with the men’s ice hockey team, which definitely has some super-human athletes. Obviously the first player to consider is Eric Gryba. Clearly Gryba could be The Hulk or The Punisher or even Donkey Kong. However, I like The Thing, not because Gryba’s skin looks like large palates of sheet-rock, but because before every game, Gryba says, ‘It’s clobbering time.’ Then he goes out and nearly kills half the opposing team. He’s a fan favorite, just like The Thing. I also believe after hockey, Gryba will have a successful career as a scientist, just like The Thing!

John McCarthy is Captain America. Seriously, you don’t get more perfect than Johnny. The man is a TA who has office hours! Coach Parker has said that John’s the best at everything he does, and I don’t doubt that. It’s said that Captain America was enhanced by the United States to the peak of human perfection by an experimental serum. I don’t think John took steroids; he’s just that perfect.

Chris Higgins must be Batman because he’s the object of roughly 65 percent of this school’s female population’s affection. Since he’s Batman, Jason Lawrence must be Robin. Linemates, roommates, best bros, partners in crime prevention. All Higgy needs to do is talk in a raspy, pissed-off voice all the time. I know they both probably have the skin-tight suits.

Kevin Shattenkirk is the Six Million Dollar Man, because well, that’s his worth. The Colorado Avalanche will make him extremely happy to be Kevin Shattenkirk one day.

Brandon Yip is Super Shamou. Who? Upon a Google search of’ ‘Eskimo superheroes,’ Super Shamou is the first one that comes up. Thus, Yip equals Super Shamou. It’s all good though: he can fly!

Colin Wilson is Iron Man because he’s basically unstoppable. I was originally hesitant to list him as such because he doesn’t have the sweet facial hair-mustachio that Robert Downey, Jr. wore as Tony Stark. Regardless, when he puts on that No. 33 jersey, that’s his power suit. Good luck stopping him.

I don’t want to stop at athletes. Our Athletic Director, Mike Lynch, must be Master Splinter. Now, don’t get me wrong, I AM NOT CALLING THE AD A MUTANT RAT. Mike Lynch is the father of BU athletics and rules them stoically, much like Splinter.

Since Mike Lynch is Splinter, members of the BU basketball team are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’m going to say Carlos Strong is Leonardo, Tyler Morris is Donatello and Mike Schulze is Michaelangelo. The TMNT’s ‘bad boy turtle,’ Raphael, is clearly Valdas Sirutis.’

Corey Lowe is The Daredevil because he can make a shot anywhere on the court, even without vision.

John Holland is Superman. There shouldn’t be need for an explanation, but come on, he wore an ‘S’ on his chest during the dunk contest at Midnight Madness, and he’s the only person I know who has the ability to fly.

Jesyka Burks-Wiley of the women’s basketball team is the Bionic Woman. I say this because I heard Jes had a terrible skydiving accident years ago and was rebuilt to be an unstoppable force in the America East. Operation successful.

You have to give the other three seniors for the women’s team super heroine status as well. There’s no better group of three than Charlie’s Angels ‘-‘- Christine Kinneary, Kristi Dini and Amarachi Umez-Eronini. Instead of Charlie’s Angels, how about head coach Kelly Greenberg’s Angels?

Superstar runner David Proctor must be Flash. I can’t keep track of either of them when they start running.

I hear Chuck Norris is a superhero. The closest BU athlete I can come up with is wrestler Mike Roberts, who’s qualified for the NCAA Tournament three times and finished his career with a whopping 108 wins.

Shaun Taylor of the BU soccer team is the X-Men’s Wolverine: you DO NOT mess with him. Shaun won’t slash your face with claws, but he will physically and emotionally mess you up.

BU women’s lacrosse all-time leading goal scorer Sarah Dalton is Wonder Woman because I have always wondered how she does it. How does she score that much?

Finally, there is one BU athlete who is a superhero in and of himself ‘-‘- Jon Jonsson. His music cures cancer, so Jon, please have a show soon.

Let’s see if these superheroes can help out our school with some conference championships.