Columns, Opinion

KIRLAND: Harold can’t hit on girls

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ One of my friends can’t pick up a girl if his life depended on it. For the sake of this column, let’s give him the alias Harold. Harold is a pleasant, interesting, good-looking and witty young man. But for some reason, he hasn’t been doing too well with ladies lately. I’ve watched poor Harold pretty closely the past couple of weekends and have felt the sting of rejection with him every time a girl politely exits his general vicinity. The following words are intended to help you from feeling Harold’s pain.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ My first tip: don’t approach someone you think is out of your league. If you don’t think you’re ready for the majors, stay in the minors. I have seen Harold go up to many girls rated 10, even though his range is more around six or eight. What happens to Harold is that he normally starts the conversation with an ‘excuse me’ giggle that sounds like a creepy mix between a mad scientist’s laugh and a bicycle horn. He follows this screech with some line such as, ‘Sorry I just can’t believe I’m talking to you.’ The girl almost always answers, ‘You’re not,’ and storms away.’ ‘

‘ ‘ ‘ On that same note, don’t use any clich’eacute; pickup lines. Trust me, I’ve seen more girls walk away from Harold and his cheesy lines than birds migrate south for the winter. Here are some lines that sent chicks soaring away: ‘Do you have a library card? Because I’m checking you out,’ ‘You don’t happen to have a map by any chance? You see – I’m lost in your eyes.’ ‘Nice shoes. Do me, please.’ Harold occasionally throws in the Harry Potter-themed pickup line ‘I want to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.’

‘ ‘ ‘ Speaking of secrets, I would also suggest keeping your interest in a lady somewhat concealed. Harold never listened to his parents when they told him staring is impolite. Girls notice staring problems. Don’t drunkenly stare like Harold. If I had to guess, I would say that ladies don’t like to be drooled over like a piece of meat – especially from a stalker-like distance of 25 feet away. Harold should stride across the bar confidently, strike up some small talk and establish a common bond with his lady friend.

‘ ‘ ‘ It’s okay to share common bonds, but don’t ever share any of your money. Never buy a girl a drink at a bar. Girls that are actually interested in talking to you won’t be all touchy-feely for a minute, laugh unnaturally at your terrible jokes and then follow their raucous laughter with, ‘So are you going up to the bar any time soon?’ When you walk into a bar, find the free drink vultures right away – they’re the girls doing their best Paris Hilton impressions two feet away from the bar – and steer clear of them. Harold’s misadventures indicate the girls worth busting your moves out for are far from the bar.’

‘ ‘ ‘ We should learn from Harold, yet sympathize with him too. In the weekends to come, Harold will undoubtedly have even more opportunities to pick up girls. Ladies, when you meet the Harolds of the world, give them a chance. Beyond the childish, clich’eacute; pickup lines, lazy stare and shameless money spending, there’s a good guy just looking for some company. Isn’t a little company what we’re all looking for?

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