Cougar tales

For those of you who have found yourself ex-iled from a relationship, beware of the cougar within. Rather recently, the two-year relationship I had with my boyfriend came to halt. Once realizing that college was a place for experimental promiscuity, my boyfriend decided to ditch his domesticated significant other, yours truly. But what happens when a tamed feline is suddenly unleashed? The wildcat forgets her litter box and catnip and leaps into the wild. And so I did.

A week after my break-up, I left for vacation with my family ‘- considerably pissed off and undoubtedly not in the mood for a weekend of sand in my bikini bottoms and frizzy beach hair. Nonetheless, I sucked up my complaints and voyaged off to Montauk.

Upon our arrival, my family and I trekked out to the beach. The crashing waves were not as irritating as I had imagined they would be, and the sand wedgies were . . .well, still prevalent.

Surprisingly, my new state of ‘singleness’ was not life shattering. As the day shifted to night, I felt recharged, and enthusiastic about the vacation. My sister and I wandered the city nightlife, only to discover packs of high school teenage boys surrounding us. Tall ones, short ones, blonde ones, brunette ones . . . every shape, size and color of the male race was at our fingertips.

The hair on the back of my neck suddenly stood upright. My back arched, and I licked my lips to reveal my fang-like teeth. My breathing rapidly increased, as a slow purr forced itself from my mouth. I was a cat on the prowl, and these boys didn’t know it, but they were my prey.

Keep in mind readers, that it is very common for women leaving a relationship to seek an instant fix. Now, cougar hunting may not heal the soul, but it does temporarily distract from the heartache. However, cougar hunting is a practice to be utilized with great caution.

As I scanned my potential dinner for the night, my eyes settled on a young surfer boy. He was devastatingly attractive, charismatic and apparently interested, when he started walking my way. We chatted, just long enough for me to learn that I was three years his senior, and invited to the beach party the following night.

As we parted separate ways, my ex-boyfriend was the furthest thing from my mind. While I was slightly hesitant to pursue a 16-year-old, I decided to focus on the more important factor at hand: He was hot.

The next evening, we met up at the party, and I soon realized the benefits to our age gap. Since I was a college student, high schoolers were infatuated by me. I could say anything, do anything, wear anything – it didn’t matter. I was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

We spent the entire night together talking, but I began to wonder, when is this kid going to make a move? As the night came to an end, he walked me to my car. But rather than leaning in for a kiss, or even a hug, he looked down at the ground and motioned a cowardly wave goodbye.

This was going to be tougher than I thought. Although my age was appealing to the young prey, it was clearly equally intimidating.

As 10:30 p.m. rolled around the next night, I approached the second party ready to pounce. But as the clock struck 11, I began to doubt if he was going to even show at all. Was this feline out of line?

Suddenly, my cell phone rang. ‘My parents are being gay,’ he said. ‘They won’t let me out of the house. Do you think you can come pick me up? I’m not really allowed to drive after 9 p.m. anyways.’

Let’s count the red flags of the conversation:

1) If your potential playmate calls his parents gay, or anyone gay for that matter, move on. He’s not only too young . . . but too . . . unfortunate.

2) If your potential playmate has a curfew, you may as well consider your time with him babysitting. Set a fee per hour, collect your cash and split.

3) If your potential playmate asks you to become his taxi driver, you’ve just been bumped to the mommy mobile. Move on before he asks you to drive him to soccer practice.

4) If your potential playmate has driving limitations for reasons other than too may license points from speeding, you’ve aimed too young. If he has to resort to driving his bicycle so he can meet you after 9 p.m. you’ve stooped from cougar hunting to cradle robbing.

When hunting for a male playfellow, age is only a number. However, if you ask your boy toy if ‘he’s packin’ it’ and he responds with ‘no, I buy my lunch at school,’ I’d say it’s time you re-evaluate.