Columnists, Sports

Instant Replay: Why Brady’s “Healthy Living” book will make you want to die

Tom Brady refers to his book as a “bible” for athletes. PHOTO COURTESY KEITH ALLISON

Who has two thumbs, five National Football League rings and quite possibly the most boring life of any celebrity athlete in the professional world?

If you didn’t guess Tom Brady and his TB12 method of living, then clearly, you’ve been living under a rock for the past month.

Quite honestly, I’m not surprised that people want to read a book about Tom Brady’s life. Let’s get real, the guy is basically living every 13-year-old boy’s fantasy of playing professional sports and marrying a literal supermodel. But instead of writing an autobiography like most athletes, Brady wrote a book showcasing his ostentatious, pretentious and downright underwhelming way of life.

The book itself, proclaimed by Brady as the “athlete’s bible,” is full of diet plans, workouts and tips from the QB’s personal life. It certainly reads like the bible, with its long lists of things that you can’t do and can’t eat. But, all in all, Brady claims his peak performance comes from pliability, sugar elimination and, oh yeah, an absence of fun. He goes to bed at 9:00 p.m. every night, and his dessert of choice is avocado ice cream — and that’s only if he has a craving. I mean, what?

And yet, the Patriots fan and general NFL junkie in me wonders if maybe, Brady is actually onto something. He’s 40 years old — the prime time for an athletic meltdown, according to other QBs’ histories — and yet, he truly looks amazing out on the field. New England’s first week against Kansas City was rough, but week two against the Saints? QBs don’t perform much better than that in their whole careers, let alone their 40s.

Brady’s statistics are undeniable, and that’s without even counting the rings. Last week, he put up almost 500 yards in New Orleans. He has over 200 career wins with a winning percentage of .771. He’s been elected to the Pro-Bowl 12 times. So, who could possibly argue that this way of life isn’t the reason that Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time?

Oh yeah, the greatest coach of all time, Bill Belichick.

Look, 40 isn’t that old. Sure, it’s certainly up there for a professional athlete, but Brady has never been one to take hits the way the Manning brothers and Andrew Luck have in their careers. Brady is smart. He barely runs, and when he does, he almost always slides to avoid a tackle. He’s also not shy about arguing with NFL refs, and better yet, winning those arguments, especially when they pertain to holding and roughing the passer. But who is the devil whispering in Brady’s ear from his shoulder, helping him make all those smart choices? Good ol’ Bill.

“We see Tom everyday,” grumbled Belichick in a recent interview. “I don’t really feel like we need to read a book.”

Brady is Boston’s hero, but just like the theater, all the magic happens behind the curtain — or, rather, behind Belichick’s clipboard. For every “GOAT!” exclamation Brady receives, Belichick should receive two, and for every book about avocado ice cream that Brady writes, Belichick should write three about strategy, ferocity and winning, winning, winning.

Belichick has this insane ability to create pro-bowl worthy players out of thin air. Whenever a Patriots starter goes down, there’s another no-namer to seamlessly take his place. His motto, “Do your job,” is the equivalent of Auburn’s triumphant “War eagle,” and besides the “F*ck Goodell” shirts, “Do your job” shirts are probably the most sought-after Patriots paraphernalia in existence.

FiveThirtyEight placed Brady and Belichick side by side and compared statistics on statistics on statistics. The conclusion? We’ve never see Brady win without Belichick. But, we’ve also never seen the Patriots implode in the absence of Brady — just ask Jimmy Garoppolo and Matt Cassel.

So, maybe the TB12 Method really is the “athlete’s bible,” or maybe it’s not. But if Brady is Jesus, Belichick is God leading him along the Superbowl-lit path.

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