Well, February is just about over, and we all know what that means: midseason replacements. The Olympics are through and sweeps season has passed, so the major television networks are commencing the annual ritual of dumping any under-performing shows like so much trash and replacing them with a whole new batch of made-for-TV goodness. Goodbye “Tick,” hello new show with Julia Louis Dreyfuss. Now, why do we cable-less BU-ites care about such media madness? Well, we probably don’t. But just imagine: What if we, too, could stop everything in March and throw out all the things we don’t want, like the latest carton of prematurely sour milk from CampCo? With the tumultuous year we’ve had so far, I think all of us here at BU realize a few midseason replacements could be just the ticket to a revitalized University. Now is a good time to take a look at all that is just a tad underwhelming here at BU and throw it to the curb. Get out your pencils: it’s time to draw some big fat Xs. So, here’s a list of what’s in and what’s out. Stay tuned.
Out: Hotel Commonwealth. In: Hotel California. It’s time we realized a university spending millions on its own hotel is just a little absurd. But if we have to do it, why not provide a nice vacation spot for us wind-chilled BU students? We could charge the room fee to our Terrier cards and spend a cold, wintry day swimming in the California-themed pool area, complete with hot tub and waterslides. And the BU bean-counters would love it, because as they say, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” Those willing to shell out mega-bucks would be able to stay year-round, partying like it’s 1969. Or purchase a timeshare. Can you say best dorm on campus? Scrap the Hotel Commonwealth — California, here I come.
Out: Deans Luncheon. In: Deans Celebrity Roasts. OK, we all know that the planned Deans Luncheon will accomplish nothing. If any of those guys really wanted to know what’s on students’ minds, they’d just read The Daily Free Press. So instead of wasting everybody’s time with an event that’s really more about being seen than heard, BU should just have a little fun. Hold an old-fashioned roast, as the dean of Deans, Dean Martin, himself used to do, seen in countless infomercials pushing the videotapes. Here’s to COM’s Dean Baker making a toast to infamous alumnus Howard Stern, as Geena Davis, Jason Alexander and Bill O’Reilly laugh from the podium, with special guest star Stuttering John. Now this would be a crowd-pleaser. Well, until O’Reilly makes a crack about Bob Patterson and all hell breaks loose.
Out: Student Village Project. In: Santa’s Village Project. Let’s face it: While the planned recreation center, hockey arena and new dorms sound nice, there’s virtually no chance that this ambitious project will be completed, let alone get off the ground, by the time any of us graduate. If we have learned anything from “Waterworld,” it’s that putting lots of time and money into a big, epic project doesn’t guarantee that when it finally arrives, it won’t bomb. So how about if BU wises up and spends a little dough on something we can all enjoy, such as an amusement park. Santa’s Village, built on the former site of the BU Armory, would give West Campus its equivalent of the Citgo sign, as every night the neon sign would light up, spreading cheer and goodwill across the BU campus. The reindeer petting zoo would diversify BU’s animal population (say hello to your new neighbors, squirrels and rats) and would provide a great dumping ground for all the excess dining hall food. Oh yeah, in the interest of fairness, the Village would include Rabbi Shlomo’s Carousel of Commandments, Muhammad’s Hall of Illusion and PaganLand.
Out: New T-Stops. In: Monorails. The T was a good idea … in 1896. It’s time for BU to get with the program and embrace monorail technology, at least until flying scooters become our preferred mode of urban transportation. Why waste time trying to improve such an annoying, unreliable and costly form of transportation? I say out with the dirty, rusty, screeching MBTA and in with some bright, shiny new monorails. Hey, it worked for North Haverbrook.
Out: Silber and Westling. In: Clinton and Gore. Conveniently, most of the Clinton administration is currently sitting at home eating McDonald’s and making public appearances at their local Target stores. So, why not shake things up a little here at BU by ousting the current Powers That Be and infusing our school with a little bit of that old-school, 1990s presidential know-how? With these guys in charge, we’d have cable TV within weeks. After all, Bill knows the value of MTV. The guest policy would be forgotten faster than Clear Pepsi. As a man known for having numerous visitors in the Lincoln Bedroom and many a late-night oval-office tryst, Clinton would surely oppose a system that denies students the ability to invite their guests of choice into their rooms. Our undergraduate student fee would be kept safely in a lockbox, and the dangerous BU Bridge would be replaced by a sparkling bridge to the 22nd century. These two know how to bring in the money, so watch out Silber and Westling: ratings have been slipping …
As the network executives sit at their board meetings deciding whether to replace The Chair with Alf Returns or whether to have Dateline Saturday, Dateline Friday, Dateline Thursday or “Hey, why not all three?” we can only sit back and imagine what could be. Until some change happens, it’s nothing more than 500 variations on the same old song and dance.
