It’s 4 a.m., and I’m teetering on my last bit of sanity. The Red Bull ran out about an hour ago. The lights are harsh on my poor eyes as they squint to read the words that my other all-nighter-pulling comrade has instant messaged to my computer screen.

For some reason, we college students simply insist on torturing our bodies and minds that only want some quality time between the sheets. We claim we have too much work to get it all done in one night, but we all know what it’s really about.

I tend to budget my time poorly. Shocking — I know — the thought of a 20-something-year-old college student concentrating on anything but his GPA. Screw hockey games and parties, I’ve got finance and accounting homework to do.

But alas, I often give in to the evil temptations of undergraduate life. I choose to go cheer on the Terriers and drink myself into oblivion at some dive rather than sit at my desk and figure out the yield of maturity of bonds all night. When Sunday rolls around, I realize that I’ve enjoyed my weekend nights out being stupid, and my days sleeping off my hangovers.

Damnit, Brandon! We’ve spent the week telling ourselves that we’d catch up on that reading, write those two papers and bang out a column that won’t embarrass us. We have a long night ahead of us.

I’m sure this situation isn’t foreign to many of you. It’s not that we don’t care about our schoolwork — it’s that we care just a little bit more about having a good time, and that’s OK. That’s why God invented energy drinks.

How can you survive, you ask? Well, I’ve developed this nifty little guide to making it through those all-night marathon study sessions here at BU. The key is to not procrastinate, which we alcoholic undergrads have a pretty hard time doing. Still, now is the time to commit.

Stage 1: Prepare. So you’ve resigned yourself to a night of reading and writing and eating and slacking off and doing everything but sleeping. Your first stop is Campus Convenience.

Now, unless you’re a superhero, you’re going to need caffeine or taurine or some other awake-enhancing bottled magical potion to stay up. Sugar-free Red Bull is my energy drink of choice. Or you can go the traditional route with coffee if you like getting up to pee every 10 minutes — another excuse to procrastinate.

Now whatever you do, don’t get distracted. It’s easy to waste time in CampCo., and time is precious when it means not getting to sleep. Whatever you do, don’t stop and stare at the drink wall.

Oh, drink wall. There are a bazillion kinds of soda and water and Gatorade and Diet Snapple, and they all come in such pretty bottles and are arranged so perfectly. I wonder if there is some sort of artist who decides where all the bottles go because it always looks so pretty and well-put-together.

Once you’ve given yourself a pinch for the time you’ve just wasted admiring the gallery of thirst quenchers — and trust me, you will — it’s time to move on to finding a place to plant.

Stage 2: Deciding where. We face some pretty tough decisions in our lives. We need to choose where we want to go to college, what we want to do with ourselves when we graduate, whether we enjoy sex with men or women and how to plan our retirement investments. None, and I mean none of these decisions compare to deciding where to spend your sleepless night.

Now BU makes this pretty difficult for us. The most obvious is the library, but you’ll find yourself locked in at midnight when Mugar closes. Nobody wants to spend the night there. The GSU is out also. Its hours extend only until 11 p.m. on Sunday through Wednesday, and the Late Night Study Center closes at 2 a.m.

Uh, hel-lo BU? Don’t you understand the insatiable hunger for lack of shuteye that we college students have? We need a place where we can go and cause damage to our brains and bodies and emotional well-beings by preventing ourselves from drifting off to dreamland without getting distracted.

Since BU offers nothing specific to fit the task at hand, you need to find your own special spot. Decide this beforehand, so you’re ready when it comes time to get to work. A place I find that’s always nice is right in your own dorm.

Now, make sure to avoid your bedroom. I’ve intended to make it through the night on a number of occasions when, at about 3:45 a.m., my bed starts to speak to me.

“Hey. Kiddo. Remember how we slept for 19 hours straight from Friday night into Saturday? Hmm? Don’t you want my soft sheets and pillowy stupendous-ness?”

No, bed! I love you, but I’m not in love with you. OK, I’m lying, because I am in love with you, but I need to do my work.

My TiVo does it too.

“You need to catch up on these saved episodes of Hannah Montana!”

Damnit, TiVo! Nobody is supposed to know about that!

Clearly, you should be looking for common spaces.

As a freshman, I spent hours in Warren’s B Tower study room. Nowadays, I tend to stick to the Student Village, where anyone who lives on campus can swipe in before 2 a.m.

The Student Atrium on the 18th floor is a great place to take your family and friends from other schools to make them insanely jealous of where you live, but its not a great place to get things done unless you’re a robot not awed by incredible views of Boston.

The Reading Room on the ground level is probably the ideal place. It has a handful of tables and comfortable chairs, good lighting and probably more power outlets than people that could fit in the room. Once you’ve found your space, it’s time to load up on sustenance.

Stage 3: The CampCo. Trip, Part Deux. Now that you’ve survived the debacle of choosing a place to spend eternity, it’s time to get snacks and more faux-energy.

Now you really do need to make sure you get in and out of there as quickly as possible. Grab your pretzels and Skittles and Orbit and Red Bull and head toward the register, and be sure not to look at —

Look at that wall of drinks! Come on, who has the time to make them look all perfect like that. There really are no words to describe it. The beauty! I think I need to bring my camera next time to take a picture. Maybe I’ll ask the guy that works there to take of one me and the drink wall.

Stop! Enough wasting time!

Stage 4: Getting Down to Business. Once you have your spot, your snacks and your false sense of alertness, it’s time to get to work.

If you avoid the Internet, chances are you’ll get things done pretty quickly. It’s always a nice surprise when 2 a.m. rolls around and you realize that you’ve finished what you needed to do, and can catch a really good night’s sleep before your 11 a.m. class.

Brandon Epstein, a junior in the School of Management, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].