Whoever said that running relieves stress was slightly mistaken. The most I’ve ever run continuously was nine miles. And after I ran, in no way did the run reduce the burden of my approaching anxiety attack. Not to mention, it added soreness to my lists of complaints. And it basically just topped off all my stress with depression because of the realization about how quickly I was losing my endurance.

But after every Marathon Monday, I dream of one day running the race. Maybe I’m hypnotized by the large crowds cheering you on or by the illusion that if I run 26.2 miles I too could have the quintessential runner’s body.

I always wake up from this dream and realize that the few ADD symptoms I have would kick in at about Mile Three. Because when I run, I have to listen to music. And even with the perfect mix on my iPod, it’s still a struggle. Headphones aren’t allowed in races like the Boston Marathon, and so what would entertain me for hours of continuous pain?

For this reason and a few others, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not a real runner. But in my hopes to one day conquer Heartbreak Hill, I’ve decided to explore the runner’s world, and here are the truths I’ve discovered.

Real runners must be competitive. Geoff Rhizor, a distance runner on the Boston University track team, compared his reasons for running with other people’s reasons for playing other sports. “You train so you can beat people. It’s you versus them.”

I found that answer to be somewhat satisfying. When Lauren Erwin, a junior on the women’s soccer team, runs for leisure, it’s always competitive. If she sees a girl in front of her who doesn’t look like a track girl, she has to pass her, regardless of how fast the non-athlete girl is running.

But not all the competition in running makes you a real runner. After all, if a girl goes to pass a guy, guys often speed up. As a girl, this is extremely annoying. Because of some macho gene in males, guys practically commit suicide trying to prevent a girl from beating them. And to be a runner, you have to have the drive to beat the person running next to you.

Real runners can eat whatever they want after a race. I went to a BU track meet last year and shortly after one of the races I saw some athletes eating. I knew exactly what it was by the delicious smell, but I was so unbelievably in shock. A few BU track runners were eating McDonald’s fries within 20 minutes of having run a race. Not to mention they were drinking Coke (and my guess is it wasn’t diet).

I’m pretty sure they don’t eat this way all the time, but I was under the assumption that they would be eating salads and fruit or at least an energy bar. So in order to be a real runner, you have to be able to eat terribly unhealthy food and maintain a slim, cut physique.

Real runners don’t bounce up and down. If you’ve ever walked the sidewalks along Commonwealth Avenue, then you’ve probably seen people running down the street. You’ve also probably seen people bouncing up and down at red lights. Do not be mistaken. These people are not real runners.

Bouncing up and down does not make you look more in shape and it’s only wasting energy. Walking around at red lights is fine, at least you are moving. But you achieve nothing by bouncing, and if you really like it then you could have saved yourself a trip outside and bounced in your apartment.

Real runners in Boston never smile. This is a regional thing. In the south, when you pass a runner, they have a full conversation with you. “Hey, how’s it going? Nice weather.” But in Boston, the sign of a real runner is one who looks away.

I’m not sure why this is. It must be a culture thing and it’s still one that I’m working on. But if you want to be a real runner, you must never smile and never make eye contact.

Real runners are fundamentalists. Running is the base for many sports. But just running wasn’t good enough. That’s why there was a need for Dr. James Naismith and his fellow inventors to create sports that were more appealing to the masses. They invented sports like basketball and soccer and football. They took running and added a ball to make it more interesting.

But real runners have nothing to do with added equipment. They stick to their minimalist outfits and they compete the same way they have for generations, which is probably one of the best things about running and especially about the marathon. Running has remained pure and relatively noncommercial, providing one of the few competitions where amateurs can compete with the world’s elite athletes.

Susan Marschall, a senior in the College of Communication is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at [email protected].