If your friend ever does something that causes you to have the living crap kicked out of you and be nailed to a cross, or maybe gives you conjunctivitis in your left eye, you call him a Judas. For centuries that name has represented anger, resentment and betrayal. Well, until now that is.

A few weeks back, the National Geographic Society revealed the long lost Gospel of Judas. This ancient text contradicts the other Gospels, which say Judas was pretty much a backstabbing loser who snitched on Jesus for some gold coins from the heathen Romans. But the Gospel of Judas tells a much different story. In it, Judas is actually viewed as Jesus’ B.F.F., who was only following Jesus’ request to be crucified.

Nice try, National Geographical Society, but you’re not going to trick me. I went to Catholic high school for four years and we never covered some secret Gospel of Judas. Granted, I tended to fall asleep in religion class and I called in sick on days we had to go to mass, but I still think I would have heard something. Plus, the whole story is pretty unrealistic.

I hardly believe Jesus wanted Judas to get him crucified. Did you see The Passion of the Christ? Man, that totally looked like it hurt. Why would anyone want to go though that? If Jesus wanted Judas to get him killed, he would have conjured up guns, then had a final showdown like Pacino and De Niro did in Heat. Now that would’ve been cool.

This new text even states that Jesus’ earthly mission was a little secret between him and Judas. If the Lord and Savior wanted to keep things on the low, why did he multiply loaves of bread, cure dead people, turn water into wine and walk on water? Those things aren’t exactly low profile. If I see some guy walking across the Charles mid-summer, I’m not going to shrug my shoulders and walk away whistling Dixie. No, I’m going to check it out.

Besides, Jesus wasn’t one to go talk behind people’s backs and keep secrets like a damn schoolgirl. Jesus was the man. He stood up to Satan, and when the greedy moneychangers in the temple pissed him off, he flipped over a bunch of tables and tore the place up. Prince of Peace be damned, if Jesus heard people making those kinds of accusations he would climb off that crucifix and kick some holy ass.

And you know the most outrageous claim this heretical drivel makes? That Jesus needed Judas to help him shed his “human form.” That’s funny. I’m pretty sure God Incarnate could pretty much do what he wanted; he wouldn’t need any assistance escaping his body. Jesus needed Judas to help him die as much as he needed another nail in his hand or a splinter in his ass.

Even if this story is true, no one is going to support it, because Judas was a huge tool. He betrayed Jesus with a kiss? When you’re going to point out someone to a group of tough guards, kissing another guy isn’t the best way to go about it. At least throw a man hug or give a high-five. I mean, you might give your dad or son a kiss on the forehead, but that’s only when your favorite team wins the championship, you catch a big fish or you figure out how to get black-box porn without Mom knowing. But you sure as hell don’t kiss your friend in a crowd. That’s just guy code.

I’m convinced that the Gospel of Judas is nothing more than spin created hundreds of years ago by Judas sympathizers. It’s basically the equivalent of the LaRouche packets those nut jobs hand out in front of the George Sherman Union. In fact, Christians back in the day probably viewed the author of this despicable text the same way most of us view people from LaRouche today — dumbasses handing out papers.

For some reason, people like to throw stones at Christianity and Catholicism because we’re the big boys on the block. We have Christmas and Easter, so people try to knock us down a peg or two.

But it never works, and this latest attack is no different — it’s merely a hiccup. We’ve killed scores of people during the Crusades and the Inquisition and, hell, we’ve even elected a pope that used to be a Nazi. Only Christians have the balls to pull crap like that. With the Son of God on our side, who’s going to stop us? Not National Geographic, that’s for damn sure.

National Geographic should stick to making magazines with naked tribal women in them, so I have something to look at when I have to take my little cousin to the library. Leave the religious business to the trained professionals — the people who made it all up in the first place.

Brian Fudge, a sophomore in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].