If you had to have brain surgery tomorrow, who would you want to perform the operation? Unless you had already lost your mind, you’d probably select a brain surgeon. But there are so many brain surgeons out there, how would you pick the best one? I don’t think it’s one of those pick anyone out of the Yellow Pages deals. If you don’t have the right doctor, you’re screwed, buddy. I know exactly what kind of individual I’d look for if I had to choose.

First of all, I don’t want any of those elitist, white-collar surgeons. How is some arugula-eating snob who spends his time reading medical “journals” supposed to connect with me, the common man? If I walk into his office and see even one fancy degree on the wall, I’m out of there. I’m sorry, but whichever elite liberal institution you went to doesn’t impress me. Harvard, eh? Who’d your daddy know? Yeah, I bet you really had tons of time to focus on getting to know the average patient while you are busy studying and graduating at the top of your class. Nerd.

Most important to me in making my decision is how much money the surgeon makes. Some people like to call it success, I say it only means you can afford a first-class seat on the “out of touch with America” express. Got more than one house? Please. As if you could ever relate to my medical problems. Give me a call on your BlackBerry or other fancy gadget when your hybrid helicopter comes back to earth.

So what am I looking for in a medical professional? Someone I could sit down with and for a beer. Someone who makes decisions with his gut instead of relying on those left-wing “medical dictionaries.”

Enough of these country club quacks. They don’t understand me. I wouldn’t even mind going with a woman doctor. Maybe a hockey mom? The more kids, the better. Heck, I wouldn’t even mind if your teenage kid had kids – at least you made sure that they didn’t buy into the liberal propaganda and use contraceptives. A good family man or woman with strong moral values is what I want. Who else would be better suited to ensure my well-being?

Unfortunately, it seems that this is the way things work in politics these days. If you were to graduate with an Ivy League degree and went looking for a job, you’d want that on the top of your resume and you’d probably brag about it to everyone at the high school reunion. Unless you’re running for president of course, then you’ll try to avoid this pesky detail as much as humanly possible.

You thought popularity contests ended in high school? Well, every four years this nation has one, too. Remember the attractive blonde who gave out cookies and said hi to you for the first time in your life in order to secure your vote for student body president? These candidates will do anything they can, no matter how silly it makes them look, to make you think they are just as regular as you are.

Remember John Kerry’s hunting trip in Ohio? He looked so ridiculous that it was almost insulting to some hunters, and the GOP’s branding of Kerry as an out-of-touch elitist stuck in the minds of many and Sen. Kerry’s goose was cooked.

Breaking news, America: These candidates are not like us. Unless you were president of the Harvard Law Review or are married to a gazillionaire, you don’t have much in common with Barack Obama or John McCain. And why should we? George W. Bush has been one of the most folksy, regular-dude presidents in recent memory, and if we could do it all over again, would we have elected him twice?

Do we really want a president who is at our level? Last time I checked, the guy sitting next to me at the diner didn’t strike me as someone who is capable of being commander-in-chief. As down to earth and in touch as my barber is, I’m not sure he possesses the skills to fix the economy.

This doesn’t mean we should hand the presidency to whoever has the most experience. Dick Cheney has a lot of experience, but I don’t think we’ll see too many write-ins for him.

There’s nothing wrong with a few photo ops at a rural Pennsylvania bar with the locals. And I don’t mind if candidates stop at a state fair or two. But please, Republicans, don’t accuse Barack Obama of being an elitist because he went the best schools, because your candidate is just as “guilty” of being wealthy and upper-crust with his seven houses and heiress wife. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Neal Riley, a freshman in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].