It is not yet Halloween, but I am donning a cape and wearing a speedo outside my pants. I’m looking to avenge something, though I am not sure what exactly that something is. I am dashing and daring, courageous and caring. I am mankind’s last and only hope. I am Iron Man.
OK, maybe I’m jumping the gun a little. But the return of Heroes on NBC has me thinking big — super big. I’m no spring chicken, but I am also not that far removed from my wayward youth, when I wanted to be a superhero like Batman, the Green Lantern or Bono. Heroes has made it cool for people to talk about superheroes again (sort of, but only if you’re absolutely sure the other person likes it too). So I recently decided it was about time to dredge my old costume designs and concepts from my closet and figure out what kind of superhero is the best superhero among all superheroes. And then I’ll become that superhero, thus reaping the rewards that one naturally gains from saving the universe from evil and whatnot.
It could be so easy, given my Mexican upbringing, to create a superhero just on that. Our canon of superheroes is quite, um, thin. There’s Speedy Gonzalez and his cousin, Slowpoke Rodriguez. There’s Bumblebee Man and Nacho Libre, although I’m not sure that he had any powers other than ultra-potent bean farts. There just really isn’t much on the Mexican shelf to choose from. Honestly, anything I can come up with would be a step up.
But that would be too easy. Plus, I don’t just want to be the best Mexican superhero. I want to be the best superhero in the world — maybe even the universe, though I might not be that ambitious.
So I looked beyond ethnicity to other aspects of my life. The other obvious part of my life, the lawyering, could also work. Unfortunately, Harvey Birdman, attorney at law, has already usurped the position of the legal superhero, which was once held by William Howard Taft, the original Hulk. In addition, all lawyers are evil. This, of course, creates an interesting dichotomy — one which would surely fuel great internal conflict and complex character development, making me sure to win at least a Golden Globe for best comedic acting when my life story inevitably becomes a movie of the week. (I wonder which channel would carry it? Probably Nickelodeon.)
But, honestly, powers aren’t as important as the intangibles that make a superhero interesting, intriguing, and, by virtue of those qualities, incredibly appealing. So you grow knives from your knuckles: Big deal. Batman does without powers, and my life motto has always been, “if it’s good enough for Batman, it’s good enough for me.” Elements more important than powers are a troubled past, a brooding persona and a moody, um, mood. You also need a supervillain, a mascot, a sidekick, a weakness and an impossibly attractive colleague with whom one can have several years of unconsummated sexual tension. Let’s elaborate on each.
Who, I wonder, could be my supervillain, the one being with whom I am engaged in unending attempted destruction? Pat Buchanan, is, I guess, the obvious candidate. As far as I know, however, he cannot control magnetism, talk to penguins or do any of the other things supervillains do. On the plus side, however, he does have an army of mindless henchmen. I look at it this way: The minutemen could be to me as the foot clan is to the Ninja Turtles. Fact: When you expect a videogame to be made based on your exploits, it never hurts to have hundreds of easily disposable thugs (like goombas) to try to foil you before you get to the boss level.
Mascots generally suck. I have not yet met anyone who enjoyed the exploits of Boo-Boo or Scrappy Doo. The same goes for sidekicks. I believe I’m better off without either of them. I mean, Tonto did kind of defeat the whole concept of The Lone Ranger.
The weakness part is very tricky. I have a weakness for many things, including cheap tequila, gambling and loose women, especially when all three are combined. But does something really count as a weakness if it is actively pursued? Superman does not exactly regard kryptonite with the same enthusiasm I have for dollar draft nights at the local Senor Frog’s.
In fact, my weakness is probably what will lead me to the most important element of the superhero: the love interest. I do the superhero thing, of course, for the same reason I do everything else: the women. So next time you’re out, and you see a handsome fellow in a mask and cape, please refrain from contacting the authorities and see it as what it really is: a desperate attempt at becoming a Saturday Morning Cartoon and getting the fame, money and women that come with it.
Carlos Maycotte, a first-year student in the School of Law, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].
