You silly people, what is all the complaining about? You kvetch day and night about Chancellor Silber’s comments on the male/female ratio of the student body. But contrary to your complaints, Chancellor Silber is perhaps the most realistic person on the BU campus.

Being a BU woman, I am particularly sensitive to the male/female student body ratio. The pickings at BU get slimmer and slimmer every year. My God, on what other campus is it normal to see Brazilian super models dating Sideshow Bobs and George Costanzas? BU has become a strange and surreal world in that it is feasible for unattractive men to date hot women, making it difficult for average looking girls like me to score.

Evening out the male/female ratio would make it easier for ugly women to get laid. Ugly women all over the nation are getting some, but many BU women wake up to dry sheets night after lonely night. Come on, now. Ugly BU men have been lucking out for years now; give the homely girls a chance.

Some of you crazy idealists out there are going to argue, “maybe the hotties are dating the uglies because they’ve been given a chance to appreciate personalities over looks.” I will now take a dubious pause at your silly dispute.

Personality? Are you joking? That is a word people use to comfort their ugly selves: “I have no breasts, and my face is like a pepperoni pizza, but by God, I’ve got personality!” Let’s face the truth.

Secondly, the BU George Costanzas need to face reality. When you’re working for The Man, the sexpot in the cubicle next to yours is not gonna look twice at you, especially if you’re in a position of equal or less power than she. Sure you’re living in a crazy dream world now, where you can get your jollies with good-looking women, but that’s not real, my friend. Let’s not make the transition into the real world any more difficult, alright? Let’s start lowering those standards little by little.

I encourage people to support Silber’s criticism of the male/female student body ratio, but more importantly, to lighten up. Although there is power in public opinion, the university is not a democracy, and Silber has no reason to listen to anyone. If you don’t like BU, you can always go to a different university because there are students waiting to pay $37,000 to replace you. So have fun, learn a lot, but chill.