SHAMAN: What would Angra Mainyu do?

Recently, I have become bored with religion. It is always filled with “moral” codes and “ethical” guidelines. Every time I convert to a new one, I am stuck being “good” — however that religion defines it. Why can’t I find a world-system that advocates self-interest and not giving a damn about anyone else?

Now, I know that I can choose to follow some of the fundamentalist denominations of our favorite world religions and not be constrained by morality. But being a Muslim or pro-life extremist wouldn’t work all that well for me.

Instead, I decided the best course of action would be to convert to a religion but practice it with my own “skewed” interpretation. For this week I am going to be known as a Zoroastrian. For those not in the know, which I’m assuming is most of

you, Zoroastrianism is an ancient religion that was developed in Persia about a thousand years before Jesus was born. It was founded by this man known as –hold on, I’ll give you a few seconds to guess — Zoroaster. Luckily, there are still about 200,000 adherents to this religion left in the world.

You may be asking yourselves, “This has to do with being evil, how?” I am getting to that you simple-minded ingrates (I can say that now and not feel guilty). Zoroaster conceived of this “Uncreated Creator” god, who was the source of all things, but additionally the source of only the Good. This may sound confusing to some of you, but it’s relatively simple. Evil is just the manifestation of chaos, which is the opposite of creation.

My “skew” of Zoroastrianism was to devote myself to Angra Mainyu, who is the destructive spirit. Normally Zoroastrians pray to Ahura Mazda, who is the source of all good. In my take, I can be as self-centered this week as I have always wanted to be.

As a devotee of Angra Mainyu, I set out to sow chaos and discord where ever I went. As I was walking back toward campus kicking some pigeons and thinking of what to do next, I saw a flier for a Spectrum meeting and immediately knew what I had to do.

That night, I went to the meeting and sparked up a conversation with the first person I came across. “Don’t you think we should just round up all the heterosexuals and throw them in jail?” I asked. I was promptly asked to leave.

After the meeting, I went home, sat on my couch and watched episodes of “Reno 911” and “Scrubs” on Comedy Central for six hours. While watching these altruistically oriented programs, I was inspired to think of all the charities I wasn’t going to give any money to this week.

Finally, in the dead of night, I went to South Boston, found a dead homeless man, cremated his body and buried it. This was to disrespect the earth and fire, which are normally thought to be too sacred to place a dead body in.

The next day, I thought over all the evil I had done and was satisfied. Some of the most important precepts in Zoroastrianism are respect of life, environmentalism, equalism, hard work and charity. I don’t think I have to reiterate here how I broke all of those. If you’re wondering about the homeless guy, I should have let the vultures and weather dispose of the body like the culture practices.

I am not entirely sure how much chaos I spread throughout the world, and it is depressing to think that Zoroaster proclaimed that Ahura Mazda would eventually prevail, but it was an interesting week. I never realized how much effort it takes to be immorally inclined. I think the next time I want to feel comfortable ignoring the tendency to be good, I’ll just get involved in politics.

Nicholas Shaman, a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at shaman@bu.edu.