I am so tired.
Tired of seeing the same headlines over and over again, of hearing about another woman murdered, brutalized, raped or kidnapped. Tired of living life with a nagging fear in the back of my head because I could be the next headline. Tired of having to yell and scream for my fellow sisters and then watching it happen all over again.
The most frustrating part of this cycle is seeing people — specifically men — become defensive instead of engaging in a productive conversation and actually hearing what we have to say.
The most recent heartbreaking news has come out of London, where a woman by the name of Sarah Everard was found killed and a London police officer was charged with her kidnap and murder. She was walking home alone from a friend’s apartment in South London March 3 when she disappeared — it was the last time anyone would see her alive.
It is these headlines that we, as women and femme-presenting individuals, see every day that make us feel unsafe doing the simplest of things, like walking down the street or going to the gas station to fill up our tanks. I walk around with mace in my pocket everywhere I go, and if I am alone at night, I always have my finger on the button just in case.
These headlines are the same reason that every time my grandma calls me, she reminds me to never leave a place alone with a man or let my friends do so either. It is why my friends and I all have our locations shared with one another, why I look over my shoulder wherever I go and why I cannot go on a run past 5 p.m.
In response to this recent tragedy, many women have taken to social media to talk about these daily fears.
During these conversations, I have noticed many men get defensive and respond that “not all men” are bad. This is an irrelevant argument to the conversation at hand and only takes away from the important information we are trying to share and discuss.
Furthermore, if you are a man who is quick to jump on the defense, you need to understand that because of the society you were raised in — riddled with toxic masculinity and strict gender roles — you have probably unknowingly contributed to this environment women are so fearful of.
Maybe you did not intend to, but there is a good chance you watched one of your friends make a woman uncomfortable or you did so yourself. If you have cat-called anyone, felt entitled to a girl who friend-zoned you or made inappropriate sexual comments to someone — just to name a few instances of harassment — you, too, are part of the problem.
Women are aware that it is not all men who are out there abusing and assaulting us, but it is enough men doing so that we have to be wary of every single one. If you are getting defensive rather than being upset over the reality of our lives, you have some serious reevaluating to do.
And it isn’t just women who are victims of this toxic environment. Men are also being harmed by our society.
In the last month alone, two men have died from hazing-related incidents. Why is this behavior to prove manliness and brotherhood so normalized?
Men raised in an environment of toxic masculinity can struggle with social isolation for the rest of their lives, according to a study by Michigan State University. This social isolation and repression in turn impacts their health and happiness.
There is evidence this enforced lifestyle of being “manly” has led to higher suicide rates for men because they are less likely to reach out for help or discuss their feelings with others. Men died by suicide nearly four times more than women in 2018, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Center.
The battle of toxic masculinity is not something only women are facing — we could all benefit from changing how we raise our children.
If you are a man, you need to actively contribute to making the world a safer and better place for women. It is not enough to simply say you will not partake in the behaviors that end with us getting attacked or killed. You need to call out abusive, toxic or sexist behavior when you see it. You cannot be a bystander.
Next time your friend is harassing a girl, tell him to stop. Next time you are walking behind a woman in the dark, keep in mind how scary you might seem to her. Being aware of these issues and behaviors can help you better prevent them.
Furthermore, we need to fix this problem at the root by raising our children better. We need to raise women to know they are not responsible for what men do to them, and we need to raise men to respect women, respect boundaries and listen to us.
If you are a man currently hearing our cries, listening and responding positively, I thank you for being a part of the solution and not the problem.
If you are a part of the problem, do better.
Do you think you are speaking to a general audience – eg males under age 30? Or all men? The shift towards holding men responsible for their actions especially in college is long overdue, however not every person is an activist. I agree people in general should be less shitty, but don’t you think broad generalizations and demands that all men step up is presumptuous that any man is a sex crime waiting to happen?
Part of the education is upbringing – I taught my son how to act, not be cringey, not to disrespect women and did my best to teach him not to be bigoted or sexist or racist. However, I have also taught my daughter the same, and that they both need to stand up and be strong, and not get into certain situations. I didn’t raise either child to have a victim mentality, and urged them both to be kind and tolerant. However, not everyone is going to fit into the same mold, and we need to realize there are different cultural norms. We are a biracial family and there is behavior that is acceptable in one cultures, that is questionable in another.
This has been going on for decades and we make progress year by year. Accusing men of being defensive when broad generalizations are made is the same as being angry when all whites are told they are racists and have privilege no one else has. Our progressive colleges cry for diversity but want every culture to behave within a strict box so as n9t to upset anyone or make them feel uncomfortable at any time for any reason. How is that in itself not a toxic, intolerant, environment?
Maybe we need to stop blaming everyone else for our problems and stop treating people 15-25 like little kids, oh boo boo trigger warning, oh boo hoo someone is taking loud and make a joke about breasts, when did college become. Pre school with a 50,000 $ bar tab? You claim you want diversity and life experience – well there it is. If you want your muted tunes, your free wifi and your gluten free bread, stay at home and go to a community college and never leave. Not every critique is a bad man trying to crush your spirit, not every person walking six feet behind you is going to rob or attack you. By putting an entire segment of society on the defensive and paint people with a broad brush of negativity,
People need to be less shitty. People need to be less thin skinned too.