Dear Abby: I am trying to figure out what the appeal is behind getting into a relationship. Are they really as valuable and meaningful as people say? Can I be just as fulfilled by my friendships? What if I’m not ready to open up to someone like that yet?
It sounds like quite the dilemma — one that’s even hard to explain myself, particularly because all my friendships with the women in my life have been so fulfilling. But, I think the question of ‘what is the point of getting into a relationship?’ is worthy of a good answer.
Most people think that romantic relationships are just like friendships with the added benefit of sex and makeouts. However, I would argue that being someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend carries a different weight of consideration with it.
Love is a verb never in short supply, but its uses have evolved beyond a romantic context. Yes, you can love your best friend and your boyfriend equally, but in two separate ways.
Similarly, you can love staying up until the crack of dawn, sharing your most juicy secrets with your friend, knowing you will be understood in your entirety. But, you can also love cuddling up against your partner to hold hands and talk about your days.
Love is multidimensional and takes many different forms. It comes knocking when you least expect it, so you better be ready. Here are a few questions to consider when you’re evaluating the kinds of relationships you may be pondering now.
What’s all the hype about romance anyway?
Look to your left on Comm Ave. and there’s a pretty high chance that a couple will pass by, hands intertwined. To your right, you may spot a couple sitting on a park bench, heads resting on each other’s shoulders. People are in love all around us, but what’s the mass appeal behind this cuddling craze we call ‘romance?’
Some people already feel perfectly fulfilled by others in their lives — friends, siblings, cousins —and that’s even true for people in relationships. So you’re probably wondering — what’s the difference between being single with friends and having a romantic partner?
Friendships assert a different kind of love and commitment. A best friend can know every little detail about you, and you may love spending time with them. On the other hand, a relationship partner is typically more emotionally involved and deals with a greater level of intimacy.
Comparing those with platonic connections to those with romantic connections is not meant to place one above the other in terms of fulfillment, it moreso shows all the different kinds of love we have to give. I wouldn’t say there’s a benefit to having one or both of these kinds of relationships, but you should definitely consider what kind of bonds you’re looking to create.
Am I ready for the label?
I always offer my friends who are debating a serious commitment one piece of crucial advice: it is imperative that you are comfortable being alone before you commit yourself to someone else.
When you feel confident in your own skin, you steer clear of codependency, can recognize when things are going well or poorly, and ensure that you do not feel obligated to stay in a relationship to avoid being alone.
Achieving happiness on your own allows you to cultivate a greater sense of self-respect and establish a clear set of standards for those you date. This way, you don’t inadvertently trap yourself in a relationship that is toxic and tears you down but rather one that offers you strength and builds you up.
Once you know for certain that you are looking for a long-term commitment, I would recommend you stick to your desires and never settle. Make your dating intentions very clear. This way, it’s up to your partner to shape up and ship out. Why go the distance for someone when you can meet them halfway?
Different hearts, different love
Hearts are like fingerprints. For every heart that sits inside someone’s chest, there is a unique kind of love to accompany it. I don’t mean to get too poetic here, but seriously, this is true. Everyone approaches and receives love differently and there is no cookie-cutter approach when it comes to connecting with one another.
In your lifetime, you will come to love a plethora of people in different ways and with different limitations. Never fear that you will live without this feeling, but also know that it will come to you in many forms, so don’t force its arrival to be what you perceive as traditional.
When a new love comes along, do what feels right and consider how emotionally equipped you are for certain relationships. It is never selfish to take your time and only pursue what you feel ready for.
In any capacity, loving someone is never a waste — friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, anyone — whether you continue to love or move on learning in the end.
Thank you for the advice, Analise! I’m looking for love!