Dear Abby: I have to confess, I’m thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy and I still love him, but we’ve been fighting a lot recently, and it’s draining me. We’ve tried to talk about our issues but something just isn’t clicking. How do I break up with him without dissolving into a puddle?
There’s an old saying that “the first cut is the deepest.” Now, as a self-proclaimed love expert, I would argue that any breakup is going to hit you pretty hard. To date someone is to be a blooming flower in the sun 一 to let the light in, you have to open up.
As we open up, we learn to stop holding back. Your partner may know your favorite flower and how you take your coffee, but they also probably know your biggest fears and intense secrets.
So, what is there to do? While I’ve been writing for semesters about how to find and strengthen love, I now can’t help but wonder: Is there ever a “right” way to break up?
I don’t think there’s a cookie-cutter method for disbanding a relationship, and I think how delicately you handle things should be based on how long you’ve been dating and the reason behind your impending split.
Still, there are definitely some ways you shouldn’t handle things, so let me be your guide.
DON’T: Resort to text
I feel like this is a given, but some of you still can’t catch a hint. There may be a few instances where a text breakup may be worthwhile, especially if safety was a concern or if your partner cheated. If those are not issues, then don’t be a jerk! Say it to their face.
Not only is a break-up text super informal, it’s disrespectful to what you two shared. How are you going to diminish a very complex and elaborate relationship into a few typed words?
Breaking up takes guts, but hiding behind a screen only makes you look like a loser.
DO: Be straightforward
You could go on and on about what all the times your partner did this or that,but let’s not push the knife in any deeper. Rambling and bickering only makes a mess of a situation worse.
If you want to handle things maturely, I would say that sometimes you have to let bygones be bygones and get to the point. Why are you really breaking up? What are the main things that have led you to feel like you are no longer in a compatible relationship?
Short, sweet and with empathy is usually the way to go.
DON’T: Break up in public
You think PDA is bad? What about causing a relationship-ending scene in broad daylight in front of a crowd? I would say that beats a public kiss on the lips any day of the week.
Out of respect for your partner and what you had, dropping the breakup bomb while you’re out to lunch or in the middle of Starbucks might be pretty inconsiderate.
Even in front of friends, learn to control your emotions until there is a more private time to cut ties. I would also recommend steering away from breaking up before a major event.
Don’t make people uncomfortable if you don’t have to, and please consider how your partner might react.
DO: Listen
Everyone wants to plead their case when a breakup is on the line, but this is not a courthouse and there is no judge or jury standing nearby to determine who is right and wrong.
Rather than arguing back, you should consider listening to what your partner has to say. Then, respond to them in a way that doesn’t place blame, but rather offers an explanation as to why you want to end things.
DON’T: Make a scene
Despite what some pop artists may say, definitely don’t key his car, and certainly don’t bust the windows out of it.
But also don’t resort to name calling –– before or after the fact –– and by all means, don’t lash out.
I think feeling sad and angry is completely normal, but don’t be disrespectful. We can be quick to start name calling and trashing our exes, but trust me, it’s not a good look. Saying the truth is one thing, but embellishing it is another.
DON’T: Date again until you’re ready
As we discussed last week, humans are seldom solitary creatures. We actively seek out meaningful relationships to fulfill our sense of purpose. A romantic partner can be a crucial part of filling this void. In many ways, they supply us with the kind of attention and endearment that friends and family cannot.
This would explain why those who are freshly out of a relationship may seek a “rebound” period. They’re back on the market with a purpose — maybe some vengeance. While there is no shame in having some fun, don’t feel pressure to go on dates or talk to people you’re not interested in.
Above all, know the difference between desperation and excitement. You shouldn’t be dating because you feel like you need someone. You should be going out on dates because you’re genuinely excited to jump back into the sea of love!
DO: Invest in yourself
Okay, I hate the saying that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, but they’re right when they say that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Sharing our love, in any capacity, is heavy work. We hold our hearts out for people and live off the trust that they won’t puncture it.
In some ways, we also link a part of our identity to being someone’s girlfriend, boyfriend or partner. So, when the breakup happens, we may feel that we are descending into the void as we lose a critical part of ourselves.
I recommend focusing your efforts on rebuilding your sense of self. Invest in your hobbies, friends and passions. Simply remind yourself of what makes you, you!
This is all easier said than done, of course, but consider these tips to serve as an ice pack that can ease your bruised heart.
