You may not be a die-hard football fan, but you’ll want to sound smart when talking the Pats and Broncos matchup.
Here in New England, the AFC Championship game will dominate the weekend conversation. So I want to give some tips to both football veterans and newbies. You need to sound smart in line at your local Dunkin Donuts. Not like that guy who kept stuttering while trying to order his coffee last week.
Who knows, maybe you’ll even talk Pats with an executive at an advertising agency. Maybe she offers you a job. With benefits, too. If so, I take a 10 percent commission. Or you can just buy me an eight-pack of munchkins (chocolate) — either works.
Vets: Don’t relate anything to your fantasy team
So C.J. Anderson’s long touchdown versus New England knocked you out of the fantasy playoffs. You must be heartbroken, but nobody cares. Besides maybe your cat Gerald who you forgot to feed last week. Just keep it to yourself. Although, I’m kind of breaking this rule now, because the C.J. thing happened to me.
Newbies: Propose a theory for Bill Belichick’s mysterious black eye
This will give you credibility among the vets in the building. Could’ve been a paddle-ball tournament injury. Maybe a walk to the film room gone wrong. Or even a paper cut from studying the playbook too closely.
Conjure up a compelling theory as to why Belichick showed up to a press conference so disheveled. Be more creative than, “He got hit with a shovel.”
Still, if you don’t have a theory, great ability to notice the black eye. You’re a keen observer of press conferences.
Vets: No Deflategate or Peyton HGH talk
A great man once said, “They hate us cause they ain’t us.” That man was my grandfather. No, actually, it was David Portnoy of Barstool Sports. But seriously, let’s focus on the game rather than this nonsense.
Newbies: Ask if anyone else has showed up at the Foxborough police station shirtless
A great way to start conversation and show you’ve been following the news. That guy in the corner may have found himself in the praying mantis position last week and is just begging to tell the story. And yes, that Chandler Jones story will always be strange.
Vets: Do a Phil Simms Impersonation
People love Phil Simms. Perfect his mannerisms and tone and you’ll be the talk of your watch party.
read with southern accent
“Well, you know, Jim, I saw Brady throwing balls in practice, and he told me the altitude will not be a problem. I also spoke with Chandler Jones who said the synthetic marijuana is way stronger out in Denver.”
Killer routine.
Newbies: Say every penalty was a questionable call
A foolproof way to stay in the conversation. You can’t be wrong since most penalties are subjective. Just don’t claim Rob Gronkowski pushed off if you’re watching with Patriot fans.
Vets: Nail every starters’ college out loud during the intros
Tom Brady, the University of Michigan. DeMarcus Ware, Troy University. Danny Amendola, Texas Tech University. Brock Osweiler, Arizona State University.*
Actually don’t do this, people will get annoyed (personal experience).
*Bonus points for a backup’s college.
Newbies: Remember Chris Harris is not Chris Harrison
I’m talking to you, “The Bachelor” fans. Broncos Pro-Bowl cornerback Chris Harris is of no relation to host Chris Harrison, though they are both great instigators of theater. On the one side, Harris said, in a joking manner, you need to take Gronk’s knees out, which led to some trash talk from both sides. And in fantasyland, Chris Harrison instigates verbal wars for his fake television show.
Vets: Seamlessly weave useful nuggets into conversation
Demaryius Thomas’s mom just finished a 15-year prison stint and watched her son play in the NFL for the first time last week. Emmanuel Sanders would’ve been a Patriot if the Pittsburgh Steelers didn’t match New England’s offer sheet in 2013. T.J. Ward, the Browns safety who ended Gronk’s 2013 season with a low hit, is a starting safety for Denver.
And most bizarrely, Pats’ cornerback Devin McCourty shares a Twitter account with his twin brother Jason, who plays for the Titans.
You’ve got to transition to these facts smoothly, though. No one has to know you studied using index cards (always the go-to high school move).
Newbies: Check Twitter after something big happens
Twitter is at its best during live entertainment events. Just don’t be the guy or gal throwing out the obvious corny joke. Stick with favoriting or retweeting unless you have an original thought.
Bad tweet: “Gronk Spike!”
Better tweet: “Big catch by Gronk, and good news, my cat Gerald’s eating again.”
Oh, and I almost forgot — you should probably have an opinion on how the game will play out. I can’t tell you who to pick, but I will advise not to guess an exact score.
If you’re wrong, you get ragged on.
And if you’re right, you’re a weirdo.
Great advice – which I noted on my color coded index cards