When I was in kindergarten, we had an end-of-the-year family picnic day at school. We sat on blankets in the middle of the soccer field, teachers passed out popsicles and families brought a delicious assortment of lunch items for their children. There was only one problem. I, at six years old, was very self-conscious about my sandwich. I watched the other kids take out their peanut butter crackers and yogurt tubes and crustless PB&Js and felt like my own sandwich was under a spotlight of disapproval and judgement. It is a staple at the local deli and consists of turkey, cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomato and a honey sauce. It was — and still is — my favorite sandwich. Even still, I felt weird for having it, uncomfortable at the very thought of standing out or being different in any way. I felt ashamed of the content and crusts of my sandwich.
We spend a lot of time worrying what others think about us. Some, after an awkward encounter, might obsess over their actions for the rest of the day, feeling pangs of regret and frustration at their self-defined stupidity. Some might continually and desperately try to get others to like them, even when only received with cold, unfriendly remarks. We dress to fit in, hide our true feelings and lie in an attempt to impress. Sometimes we follow the crowd simply for the sake of following, rather than doing what’s in our own best interests. Ultimately, this leads to us feeling helpless and regretful, as if our choices are made by someone else.
I think part of the reason why we are so submissive to others, particularly at a young age, is because we are afraid of being alone. Take, for example, the idea of eating alone at a restaurant or cafeteria. Often, this can seem like a daunting or uncomfortable experience. We feel scrutinized by those who come in pairs, as if eating by ourselves is some sad or ridiculous activity. There is something of a societal expectation of always being surrounded by others.
And even when we are alone, we’re worrying about what others think of us. Others we probably don’t even know and others we might never see again. Our fear of being alone can prevent us from exercising independence. We hold back our thoughts, we refrain from standing out and we certainly don’t eat that sandwich when everyone else is eating something else. By doing so, we give others the control of our decision making, and, a lot of the time, our happiness.
The concept of restricting self-awareness and shameful comparison is certainly not news. We are told again and again to stop caring so much what others think. But it’s not something you can just stop feeling. It takes a lot of experience and confidence to feel OK with discomfort, to feel brave enough to act on your own accord. For this reason, it is crucial to surround yourself with people who supplement and uplift you, rather than control you — people who are compassionate and understanding. And, in turn, we ourselves need to be supportive of others. It can help build confidence and slowly provide the strength to stand up for ourselves when necessary or even act in an unpopular way.
In the meantime, it is important to make choices for your own well-being and your own happiness. Grab your favorite sandwich, eat it in public, and don’t stress yourself out so much about what others may be thinking. It kills the fun of your favorite things. And that’s certainly no way to live.
