Dear Abby: My ex and I just split and in her last text to me she asked if we could still be friends. I’m still really hurt, but I really do love and miss her — but how can I settle for just being a friend? Am I just being dramatic? Is there actually a way we can still remain friends with our exes? Please help.
Welcome back Terriers! You know the drill, need dating advice? Ask Abby (or Analise) is here to help. Now let’s talk about exes! Fun, right?
But honestly, we all have an ex in our life. Maybe it’s an ex-best friend or an ex-situationship, or if we’re sticking to the basics, an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. If you’re lucky, they won’t be from BU and you’ll be spared of awkward run-ins on campus. If it’s the latter however, you are bound to cross paths at some point.
What is one to do in this situation? Do you give them the awkward half-smile and wave? Do you pretend you didn’t see them at all? Should you dart in the other direction?
What many don’t realize is that the foundation of most romantic relationships lies in friendship. We surround ourselves with people who match our energies. I know they say “opposites attract” but you and your partner most definitely need some matching interests for the connection to work.
My point: all of us were friends with our ex before dating them. And now that the relationship is over, I can’t help but wonder — where does all this endearment go? Is it possible to salvage? Or is it something we need to leave behind to move forward with new relationships?
Ending on good terms?
When relationships end on generally good terms we are inclined to still want to keep that person in our lives. But what constitutes “good terms?” And why do we feel the need to remain close anyways?
Maybe you don’t hate each other’s guts, maybe you just had a falling-out or a disagreement. Perhaps you may even feel obligated to remain in contact because you guys share a friend group or work in the same place.
Friends are known for always being the ones to hold us back when we want to reach out to exes. And while they’re not always wrong, there is something to be said about the nearly insoluble bond you and your partner may have developed while dating. Former and current partners know a lot about us, and after spending so much time together, how could they not?
Exes know our likes, dislikes and the way we take our coffee. There’s an undeniable sense of chemistry that will perhaps always linger in their absence. In some ways, we can’t deny the level of influence some exes still have on our lives.
But like I always say: if chemistry were enough, no one would ever break up. So even if your relationship didn’t go up in flames, everyone needs time and space to heal. This is not to say that you can’t ever be “friendly,” but some introspection and reflection needs to happen first. Otherwise, we fall down the all too slippery slope of getting back into a clearly nonfunctional relationship.
How about no contact?
The whole “no contact” method is possibly one of the most tricky and disheartening approaches people take to breakups. Personally, I think every freshly disbanded relationship should start in this phase — though that’s much easier said than done.
You’re probably wondering: how do I go from telling this person my every thought to fully not speaking to them?
It’s hard, certainly, maybe less if they really hurt you — but I think the important thing to remember is that “no contact” doesn’t mean you will never speak to them again.
Taking a few weeks or months to reevaluate yourself and the relationship can provide you with some clarity going forward.
Breakups can be messy, feelings get hurt and things we overlooked for months soon come back to haunt us. Remaining in contact with your ex and still talking to them frequently may blind you to the initial reasons you broke up — thus leading you back to that malfunctioning relationship.
So, journal, spend time with friends, take yourself out on a date — anything you can to distract yourself from the temptation of the text and work your way back to yourself again.
Cordial is courteous, but friendship is not necessary
As the pop princess herself, Chappell Roan, once asked: “is it casual now?”
How long you can support the friendly front varies based on a few different circumstances — how long did you date? Was the relationship considered “serious?”
While we technically don’t owe anything to our exes — whether it’s a phone call or a smile in passing — there is this hope that we will someday reach a point where we can be amicable with them if our paths cross.
If the relationship was abusive in any way, you may feel like you can’t ever forgive your partner — and that’s certainly okay. Choosing yourself in situations like this is never wrong.
You also don’t ever have to become close friends who hang out on the weekend or go out for drinks together. Especially if you or your partner enter a new relationship, respect each other’s boundaries and remember that you have moved on romantically.
When you get to know everything about a person and get intimate with them on a physical level, it can be super hard to rekindle a normal friendship because that’s not what your relationship is anymore — and that’s okay!
Relationships aren’t a phase but they definitely go through them — and once you pass certain levels, there’s really no going back. It’s hard to make a serious, romantic love and make it casual. Friendship should not be the consolation prize for losing a relationship. So sometimes it’s okay to just settle for being cordial.
The point
What most forget is that it is possible to love and care about someone but still want nothing to do with them.
We are naturally opposed to feelings of loneliness and being by ourselves — hence why we cling on to bad relationships or go crawling back to our exes. That doesn’t make us stupid, but rather human.
So can you ever really be friends with your ex? Well, I don’t like to think that all ended relationships are so black and white. You can certainly never clean the slate or undo what’s been done, but there’s no harm in learning to be amiable.
