Dear Seth: We want to start out by saying that we love you. You are a beacon of light in a galaxy without, well, light. Honey, we want to be honest with you, though. This whole ‘you being our son’ thing isn’t working out. It’s lost its luster. We thought that once you left for school, you would have become a little more independent. Don’t get us wrong, we love when you call, and we love to hear your voice but twice a day, we think, is not conducive to a healthy college experience.

Mom and I thought that once you left there would be a void in the family we would stare into your room every day and cry a little. But, this excessive calling and writing makes it seem as if you are sleeping with us every night, not to mention the fact that you do actually sleep with us when you come home. You’re really turning into the annoying neighbor that we never had nor wanted … to sleep with.

Seth, I’ll level with you we had a Reiss family summit in Yalta to discuss what we should do with you. In case you are wondering, you were not invited. Uncle Steve you know, cool Uncle Steve wanted you to walk the plank, but that’s only because of his ‘condition.’ His wife, who we have always secretly thought was a man, suggested ballet classes, but we thought that suggestion was clearly overcompensating for something, thus confirming all of our suspicions. Your sister, who flew all the way in from Denver, discussed the possibilities of a late adoption, which capitalized on her belief that you were adopted in the first place. This idea was denied because we didn’t want to be known as the parents who put forth a bad product. After all, it’s just good business sense. You understand, honey. Your grandfather, God bless him, nodded his head at everything we discussed, but we all knew it was because he wanted to act like he could hear.

After 10 minutes of deliberation, the decisions of the Reiss Family Summit were put into several resolutions collectively entitled ‘The Freedom from Seth Accords.’ Look at these decisions, not as a punishment, but as a learning experience. Remember, we love you.

Your sister successfully suggested that we have a ‘Child of the Year Who is Never Seth’ award, in which your sister would be crowned as ‘Queen of the Children’ at an annual Reiss Family Ball. A black tie affair, we would parade around your sister, who, while dressed in a gorgeous pink gown, would be waving like the Queen of England. Only it would be a wave that symbolized us saying goodbye to you, Seth. We had always secretly talked about an award ceremony of this nature, but it was never fully implemented. Also, after several years of writing, we finally got the green light from Her Majesty to use her patented wave.

But, let me tell you, your sister put together a case that even Perry Mason couldn’t refute. She brought to our attention that, between the two of you, she is clearly the better investment. She has a successful law practice, a husband and quintuplets on the way. You, on the other hand, are much more of a risk than she. You will never be married because you’re the type of kid who will be finding himself until he is 45. And, barring any failure, you may get a degree in television. Need I go on? I mean seriously, a television degree? Are you trying to make your mother cry? She’s crying right now, Seth. Your mother is crying! I have enclosed one of your mother’s salty tears in this envelope.

This letter may come as a shock to you, but really it has been a long time coming. Seth, you used to be so cute. But then you learning how to talk, compounded with the fact you are growing some back hair, really made your stock drop. What may come as more of a shock to you is that we are cutting you off emotionally, physically and most important, financially. It’s time that your parents relocated and lived life for themselves on that beautiful sunny island of We’renotgonnatellya. Remember, though, we still love you … I think. I’ll have to check with mom. Yeah, we still love you. We’re just not in love with you.

One of the unfortunate conclusions of the summit was the realization that without you, we have no means of carrying on the Reiss family name. If there is no Reiss family name, then there can be no future Reiss Family Summits, which would be awful because, really Seth, we had such a great time.

So, as your last responsibility to the family – and we think you owe us at least this – we would like you to find us a nice replacement son. Place some flyers around campus. Really get the word out. We are not as concerned with looks as we are with attitude, style and moxie. Gotta’ love moxie. Actually, check that, we want our new son to be taller. Though your mom and I are a collective eight feet, your mom consisting of close to three of those feet, we really thought you would have had the drive to break the height barrier. Do this for us, son. Remember, we love you.

We’ll seeya when we seeya.

Love (Not really),

Mom and Dad

Seth Reiss, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.