If I am lucky I will live to be 80. Eighty, I think, is a nice goal; it’s a curvy number, divisible by four which I love and if you look at the number sideways, it looks like a surprised, slightly angered, human face. Seriously, look at it sideways. No, don’t turn to the crossword puzzle. Look at the damn number sideways. See? Isn’t that borderline interesting?.

But here is a depressing thought: if I live to be 80, one fourth of my life is over. Now you may be asking, ‘Seth, isn’t this just a bit morbid?’ And, I’ll say for the last time, I hate when imaginary people ask me questions in my columns. Hate it.

I don’t ponder this sort of thing everyday. In fact, I try not to ponder at all, because really, ponder is just a word we write when we don’t want to use its simple and uneducated sounding alternative, ‘think.’ This feeling is only coming out now because it is the time of the year when we evaluate the classes we are taking. You know the scene: as if it is a really big deal, the professor leaves the room in dramatic fashion and we rate his teaching for the semester. It’s like the part in ‘Ghostbusters’ when Dan Ackroyd can only think of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and so he appears. Actually, it’s nothing like that, but I can’t stop thinking about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and that’s why he’s right behind me.

Anyway, I figured since 20 years of my life are gone, it’s time for a life evaluation. How well am I progressing in Life 101? Probably not so hot since I am still in a 100-level course. So, I stole a course evaluation sheet and scurried off with Stay Puft to begin my honest assessment. By substituting the word ‘life’ for ‘course,’ I realized this sheet was a perfect indicator of what needs improvement.

Question 1: When registering, was this life one that you wanted to take? (Answer choices: Yes, No or Neutral)

Well, when I registered for the life I eventually received, other lives were closed out. Even though I was a bit disappointed at first, I didn’t mind the life I got. It’s because I had a bad registration number that I was forced to take my own life … wow.

Question 2: Is this life in your major?

Kind of a weird question, but I hope so. I don’t want you to think, however, that I am self-centered. I really want to expand my knowledge so I am trying to concentrate in another person’s life. I may even minor.

Those first two questions weren’t so bad. Just as a note, the next several have different answer choices. E stands for excellent, VG is very good, G is good, P is poor, and VP is some venereal disease, I think.

Question 3: The sequential presentation of this life was … Hmm, since I have gone from 0 to 20 in complete and perfect order, I’m going to have to go with E excellent. Yes!

Question 4: The relevance and usefulness of this life’s content is…

Wow, this is pretty deep. To be honest, I have done nothing in my life of great importance. There are many individuals who could have died at 20 with the security that they had contributed something to this world. Mozart wrote most of his stuff before he was 20. Hell, I think he wrote ‘Cats’ and ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ two nights before his sweet 16. LeBron James just graduated high school and he is a billionaire. The only thing that has escaped him so far is Microsoft Word’s ability to recognize the spelling of his first name. But don’t worry LeBron you will get that soon, I’m sure. King Tut was the leader of Egypt when he was nine years old, and thousands of years later, Steve Martin made him famous. Then there is me. What have I done? Nothing. I have no relevance. All I have to show for myself is a stupid newspaper column. Sorry, no offense to me, of course.

None taken don’t worry about it.

You sure?

Yeah, we’re cool.

Cool.

So what’s your answer to this question?

P for Poor.

I can only take one more question. This is kind of depressing.

Question 5: What grade do you expect to receive in this life?

Well let’s be honest, with all the stress on grade deflation, I am not expecting anything out of this world. Also, I don’t know how I am going to do on the final exam, even though it’s a take home. As of right now, I would give myself a B- but, if I’m lucky, this is only 25 percent of my grade, so I think I have plenty of time to bring that up.

Seth Reiss, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.