As a Boston University student, you may have realized there are a lot of things being done incorrectly at this school. If you haven’t realized that, you obviously don’t read The Daily Free Press letters page very much, because Lord knows someone’s always complaining about something. When it comes to laying the blame for our problems, a lot of people — from the administration to the Student Union — have been taking the heat, but I’m here to say they’re not at fault. I am. You see, though I’ve never mentioned it before, I’m an imp.

Everyone knows imps delight in causing problems. Sometimes the problems I cause are minor nuisances, like when I set a car on fire in front of John Silber’s house this week (the imp equivalent of a refreshing, fiery mid-meal snack). Other times I cause major problems, like when I made the Terriers lose the Beanpot last year. They would have lost again this year, if I hadn’t been distracted Monday night by the addition of Jeri Ryan to the cast of Boston Public. Little known fact: imps love the women of Star Trek.

One of the other tricks in my bag is to rewrite petitions students send to the administration. So, for instance, instead of asking for “a push for more minority enrollment,” President Jon Westling thinks we’re asking for “a push for more minor celebrities to be given their own Must See TV sitcoms on NBC, a la Emeril.” Obviously nobody wants that, and we get caught in a deadlock. I could blame my impish upbringing, I suppose, but when it comes right down to it, I just enjoy making people miserable.

Speaking of miserable people, the Student Union has been getting a lot of bad press these past few weeks, but in the interest of setting the record straight, I must also step forward as the author of their misfortunes. Impersonating Union President Zachary Coseglia, I declared an end to merely talking about important issues like the Guest Policy by the formation of committees, which immediately got down to some hardcore talking. Then, taking the form of the head of the Guest Policy committee, I implored students to stop merely talking about the Guest Policy by talking with us about the Guest Policy, at which point we’d be better informed to talk about the Guest Policy. Then, as a topper, I made it cold enough on Commonwealth Avenue to freeze spit in mid-air. Then, I cackled merrily for half-an-hour.

But being an imp isn’t all fun and games. In grade school, we had to do bastardry projects every year, which are like your science projects but in the service of bastardry instead of science. In eighth grade, I invented telnet, which might explain why I hold such a fond place for it in my heart. That’s why, even though BU introduced web-based email last October, I never let anyone find out about it. Want to know the address for it? Tough nuts! You’ll use PINE and you’ll like it. Well, no, you won’t like it. But I will.

(Editor’s note: At this point, the arrival of a second Justin was met with great confusion. The Justin who had been previously writing this column let out an unearthly wail, sprouted wings and attacked the newly arrived Justin. A skirmish ensued, but thanks to the quick thinking and handy baseball bat work of The Daily Free Press staff, the impostor columnist was chased off. At least, we think it was the impostor. It was the one with wings. We then turned the column back over to the real Justin.)

Hi, everyone. I’m sorry you had to witness that. I suppose I could just erase everything that wicked impostor said, but I think, as a responsible journalist, I have the duty to let you know about this startling revelation that affects all of you. That, and I have a deadline to make.

I will, however, attempt to undo some of the damage my doppelganger has done. First of all, the website for web-based email is www.bu.edu/webmail/silkymail. I have no idea why BU didn’t publicize this. Well, now I have an idea. Curse you, meddling imp!

Secondly, a little talking never hurt anybody. Why not email the Union and BU Free at [email protected] and rant about the Guest Policy? At the very least it will be cathartic.

Thirdly, though it has nothing to do with my imp, I read Wednesday that the Student Union Programming Council is considering getting Ben Folds to play here. I’d like to fully encourage them to do so. Ben Folds rocks. Tell the Union that you too would like to be rocked by Ben Folds.

And finally, if you see me walking down the street, approach me and ask me if I’m an imp. If I say yes, detain me and alert the authorities. If I say no, you may want to alert the authorities anyway, as I might be lying. Imps are tricky like that.