To make things easier on myself, I go right to the New Release section in Blockbuster Video. The new releases are always on the outer rim of the store, acting like a protective drawbridge from a lava-filled moat consisting of old movies – which is where even the classics go to die. Take, for example, the classic Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo. When it arrived, it was accompanied by 60 of its exact copies. Its display was so enormous and breathtaking that I would have been stupid not to rent it.

After a month, however, Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo moved to the old movie section under the category: “Comedy, sort of.” Its 59 friends mysteriously disappeared, leaving one copy to die a slow, lonely death.

On this particular movie night, this thought invades my brain as I stand in front of the 20-foot by 30-foot 2 Fast 2 Furious display. It’s tempting, but just because Blockbuster “guarantees” that 2 Fast 2 Furious will be in stock does not mean it will be a good movie. When 2 Fast 2 Furious goes to purgatory, moving to the “Grammatically Incorrect” movie section, I will be pleased to know that I never rented it. My watchful eye, however, makes my movie renting more of a chore than a rewarding experience. Often I spend four to six hours trying to rent a good movie. Funny thing is, sometimes I don’t even watch the movie I rent. It’s just nice to get out for a night.

As the hours blow by – and I still have no movie – sometimes I get nervous because I think that if I am unable to pick one movie from the thousands available, how will I ever settle down, get married and have normal problems like trying to get my kids to help me with the yard work? When this happens, to fight off the nervous ticks, I pick up the nearest movie and act like I’m interested in renting it. This time, the movie is National Security, starring Martin Lawrence. I examine the front of the box, turn it around and fake-read the movie’s description. This is simply a calming measure. I don’t think I’ve ever really paid attention to the back of a movie box, and the only contradiction to this rule is when the box’s front gives off the impression that there will be naked people in the film. In this case, on the back of the box, Martin Lawrence was nude posing like Michelangelo’s “David,” which was unexpected.

After seven trips around the New Release section, I come to the conclusion that my lack of interest must mean I am dead inside, making me hyperventilate. I ask the nearest Blockbuster employee, Bob, if he is, per chance, holding back any new releases he may have received in the three hours since I entered the establishment.

“Bob, do you have any more copies of that movie with the damn horse?” I ask, almost out of breath.

“You mean Seabiscuit, starring Toby McGuire and Academy Award winner Chris Cooper? Did you know that 10 horses played the title role?!”

At this little tidbit, I make a “that’s interesting,” face when in reality I know never to ask a Blockbuster employee about a movie for fear that he may go Ebert and Roeper on me.

“Even if it were in, which it isn’t, would you really want to rent it?” Bob asks. “The film did zero justice to the book, which I hear is very good.

“You know,” Bob continues, “I have written 17 screenplays and…”

I begin having a minor seizure.

Boils begin to break out all over my body. My hair begins to fall out in clumps and I suddenly develop an acute case of asthma. Bob, who has been a Blockbuster employee for 15 years and has “seen it all,” quickly gets out his inhaler and Neosporin. “Why don’t you go to the old movie section,” Bob says, rubbing my skin with ointment. “It’s only a pit of hot lava if you let it be a pit of hot lava.”

Teary eyed, I look at Bob and embrace him. I know he is right.

I try to remember the laundry list of old movies for which my friends have pleaded, “You have to see that.” As in, “You have to see that or your life is meaningless.” These are the same friends who scoffed and rolled their eyes when I told them I had yet to see The Godfather. You know what? New rule – don’t ever tell anybody you haven’t seen The Godfather. Just laugh and nod your head when a group of your friends get into a discussion about it. If you get really nervous say something like, “Man, Al Pacino looked so young.”

After peeling away the cobwebs from movies like Howard the Duck and Space Jam, I find my gem – a nice Charlie Sheen flick. Flick by the way, is the worst synonym for a movie. You can never go wrong with Charlie Sheen. He is so damn charming. I triumphantly march up to the front desk and give Bob my Blockbuster card, which I’m sure is also a tracking device for the U.S. government. Bob compliments me on my choice and, in turn, I compliment him on the crispness of his blue vest.

“Good choice,” Bob says. “Due back Wednesday. Tell me what you think. I’m here every night.”

“Oh, Bob.” I respond. “I probably won’t get around to watching it. I just come in here to feel alive.”