The freezing cold air and lack of free time tell me the semester is quickly approaching its well-deserved end. When I reflect back on the ups and downs we shared this fall, I’ve come to realize I screwed up big time, and all I can say is I’m sorry.

This is my last column, and I haven’t yet solved all the world’s problems with my opinions. As a Daily Free Press columnist, I know it’s my job to tell everyone the answers, and I haven’t been doing that to my full capacity.

So what do we got? Global warming, labor exploitation, immigration, world hunger, traffic — there are a lot of problems. But don’t worry, I’ve got all the solutions. Let us begin.

I agree we should save the whales, because there could come a day when we need to kill them all for their precious blubber and meat. If people keep killing the whales now, in a time when we don’t really need to, there might not be enough whales to kill when we need to kill them, and that would kill us.

For immigration to work, it simply needs a new advertising campaign. This should include commercials, billboards and magazine ads that have all types of Americans looking at the camera, with a line reading, “Immigration? I’m migration.”

Global warming is an undeniable truth, and I think it’s time we cool it down with a giant space refrigerator. Not only will the earth cool down and stop warming, but it will undoubtedly stay fresher, longer. The moon could fit in the spot where you put the lettuce.

Reality television is a bigger problem than global warming. True reality television, however, would be a TV show about the complex interactions and emotional roller coaster of a family of televisions. Would the HD plasma spit on the old black-and-white? Or would the televisions just sit there, motionless? Perhaps real reality television would be if the TV screen turned into a mirror. Then maybe people would stop watching it.

The only way to beat a traffic jam is to create an alternative traffic jelly.

I’ve spent many a sleepless night trying to figure out how to beat insomnia. I haven’t yet figured out a solution for this one, but I know sleep is involved somehow.

Speaking of sleep, I also do not yet know how to defeat recurring dreams in which Tiger Woods is an alien dressed as a monk, and he hired me to watch his kids and play with his dog while he hosts meetings with aliens from multiple galaxies. I’m serious. If you know how I can stop having this dream, please contact me. I’m really starting to believe Tiger Woods is an alien and is trying to reach me.

I apologize for digressing — let us return to real problems, such as being physically ugly. If you are ugly, no kind of plastic surgery is the answer. No matter how ugly you think you are, somebody will find you beautiful. I admit, he or she will probably be ugly, too, but will you really care that much? Just be happy you found someone, and marry quickly.

Cancer is a big problem, and I firmly believe we should remove it from astrology calendars once and for all.

I think Britney Spears would feel a lot better if more strangers hugged her on the street.

Little kids shouldn’t be making shoes in Third World countries, and Al Gore needs to make a PowerPoint about it very soon.

Divorce tears families apart. To discourage divorces, I propose throwing a “divorce shower” for every permanent separation. At the divorce shower, every person who gave the once-happy couple a wedding gift has the opportunity to show up and take the gift back.

The current bitter fight for the Democratic nomination is wearing me out. At the next debate, Barack and Hillary should just hardcore make out. Whoever is voted the better kisser becomes the Democratic nominee. No one wants someone with dead fish lips to be president.

Cheating is a big no-no. Most people hate cheaters. To stop cheaters, one must think like a cheater. This means you must cheat to know how a cheater thinks. Once you have cheated, you cannot hate cheaters, because then you will hate yourself. Now you have a bigger problem that only self-reflection can solve.

I think “casualty” is a word that doesn’t correctly fit the definition. What’s so casual about death? In light of the subject matter, I believe casualties should instead be called seriousities.

Breaking up is hard to do, but so is origami. Next problem.

I would like fire extinguishers more if I was legally allowed to use one from time to time, like on an unsuspecting friend. Fire extinguishers aren’t really a problem, but it is a problem that I can’t use them for fun.

Drugs are not cool. School is cool. I say use drugs to your advantage. Tell people who like drugs that they will get free drugs if they complete a course in school. Once they do, tell them you lied. That’s the only time it’s cool to offer drugs in school.

Christmas trees. I wouldn’t question their presence so much if we changed history so that Christmas trees were born the same day as Jesus.

Well, that about does it for me. I could solve more problems, but we need to focus on these first. If you try to attack all the problems of the world at one time, you won’t defeat any of them. So please take my advice: Focus on one problem and solve it. Repeat until tired. Then nap. Repeat again. And don’t forget, as a FreeP columnist my advice is golden. Golden.

Zach Poitras, a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, has been a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected].