Dear Abby: How much should a person be dating? I always feel like I am either dating too much or not dating enough, it seems like everyone has an opinion on everyone’s dating life.
OK, so this might come off as blunt or harsh to open with, but I’m going to get it out there now to preface my thoughts: If you can not live with yourself being alone, then you are most certainly not ready for a relationship.
I feel like many people tend to think that relationships are a one-stop quick fix for feelings of loneliness and emotional deprivation. Constant attention, touch and affection are many surface level benefits of intertwining your life with another’s romantically. However, what’s deeper is the true emotional intimacy you should share.
Am I dating too much?
There is no such thing as dating “too much” — well, maybe if you start noticing your Tinder and Hinge matches on the streets of Commonwealth Avenue, or sitting in class across from you, perhaps you might be exploring the options a bit more than the average person.
But to me, the idea of how many people is a good number to date before you settle on “the one” is such a social construct. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so don’t be afraid to go out there — swim and mingle — alongside the other fish before you find the one that checks all your boxes.
Luckily, in 2023 there is an oversaturation of dating apps on the market — Hinge, Tinder, Bumble — all of which allow us a secret access preview to the personhood of a potential match.
We just can’t get enough of them! And that is their main goal.
Apps like Tinder are designed to imitate true emotional connection. What does this mean? Well, you swipe right or you swipe left based on a brief written profile and some personal pictures, and then, once you “match,” you start the conversation.
While surely a relationship will not blossom out of every match, there is a certain emotional “high” that comes with someone striking an interest in you — and truthfully, it’s a feeling innate to humans that we are all chasing: the need for romantic attention.
Stipulations like these are normally why people feel like they are maybe dating “too much.”
There is an endless stream of how many people you can talk to in one day, most of whom are edging towards the same thing: obtaining a relationship.
I get the touchy nature of the subject, especially because it is women who often get the most criticism for the number of people they’ve been with. However, who you date, when you date and how often you date is entirely up to your preferred comfort level.
But if you feel like you are going on more dates more frequently, I urge you to ask yourself why you are following through with these commitments. Are you going on dates because they’re fun and you’re looking to invest your time in a partner? Or is it because you think it’s going to satisfy some need for love and fill that empty void within you?
If it’s the latter, perhaps consider working on yourself before you begin devoting your time to another person.
Still, I urge you to throw things at a wall and see what sticks. Of course, dating isn’t that simple, but your value as a person is not diminished by the number of people you go out with. If anything, the dating part is the most fun and easy part of the relationship. Actually loving another person is a far more serious process, don’t rush it!
Am I not dating enough?
Social media, class hallways and the streets of Commonwealth Avenue are a constant reminder to the general public just how many people are in relationships.
When every other pair of two people you pass is a couple holding hands or publically displaying some form of affection, it’s not hard to wonder if maybe that’s something you should be investing in.
Conversely, maybe you’re actually trying your luck to no avail — which can be even more frustrating.
Dating apps don’t deserve to be demonized, and organic interactions are not all that they’re made out to be. I recommend dating as much or as little as what feels as comfortable to you — no matter what channel you do it through.
My roommates have a running joke about them playing “Tinder Olympics” because these kinds of dating interactions are supposed to be fun, not full of pressure and haste. Therefore, you shouldn’t feel like you have to date to fulfill some checklist in the scheme of life, do it for the thrill of it all!
The quest to feel but also understand love is a never-ending journey. These kinds of interactions will have all the time in the world to weave in and out of your life.
But everyone has an opinion!
Yes, like with most things, everyone is naturally going to have to give you their two cents. But you can’t live your life by going off of what everyone else thinks! No one knows you like yourself — so date to your convenience.
So to answer the overarching question here: No. There is no set number for how many people you should date in your lifetime.
I think people are quick to forget that love is something that has multiple sources. It is multifaceted.
In the absence of love from a romantic partner, there is familial love. And when not that, there is love from our acquaintances, our closest friends and random strangers we meet on the street.
One thing is for certain is that there is no shortage of love. I just think we have been tricked into believing the only meaningful places we can find is through a partnership or going on copious dates.
Now I don’t mean to sound so anti-dating, because really, these interactions are crucial to learning how to coexist with another person and exercise a higher degree of selflessness.
Still, many of us seek love to specifically escape the fear of being alone. But I would like to remind you all that learning to be by yourself — solitary, if you will — is core to the art of loving. Keep this consideration in your back pocket the next time the thought of going on a date pops into your head.
Do you or someone you know need dating advice? Ask Abby!
