Dear Abby: Please help! I don’t know what to do, my friends are telling me that I don’t spend enough time with them, and that I am prioritizing my boyfriend over them –– but I think I balance the relationships well. Am I in the wrong for spending too much time with my boyfriend? How do I save my friendships?
Here is the dreaded part about getting into a relationship that no one will tell you about: time management. We’re used to only having to care about ourselves, family and friends few and far between. But romantic love demands something different from us.
It is no longer enough to care about another person — you also have to spend a lot of time with them to get to know their character and cultivate a more formal level of intimacy.
Nothing is wrong with that, it’s merely the nature of a relationship. However, a trend I notice happening all too often is people making their relationship their entire personality.
Yes, it’s great that you and Steve are doing well, and you do this, and you did that, and blah, blah, blah –– but no one needs to hear it every day. That’s just overkill. We also don’t need Steve around all the time at every get-together, especially if you cannot divide your attention equally.
But to get back to the question — the answer is no. You are not wrong for wanting to spend a little more time with your boyfriend, it’s your life! And surely you love the man. Still, I invite you to consider your friends’ perspectives.
Ask them
As they say, communication is key. Don’t be afraid to check-in with friends to ensure you aren’t being too distant, or that they still feel like an important part of your life — mainly if you feel like you haven’t seen them much as of late (is it really conflicting schedules, or are you only hanging out with your boyfriend?).
Too often, caring is confounded with being obsessive, but I think showing someone that you care about your friendship is incredibly meaningful.
If they say, “yes, you are too distant,” perhaps reconsider where your recent priorities have been. No one is saying friends need to hangout every day, but if you really love them, you should still make an effort to be an important part of their lives.
If they say no, well, not everyone is going to openly say how they feel about your behavior to your face. So perhaps you are balancing both relationships perfectly, but maybe you need to take a step back and do some introspection –– have you been making important events? Do you call your friends at all? Text? When was the last time you guys hung out?
Looking within will always provide you with an answer you can seldom find outwardly.
Ask him
We shouldn’t leave Steve out of the picture here, because maybe he has a different perspective on things.
Again, most times, things can be solved by asking the questions upfront: Do you feel like we spend enough time together?
Other times, as the alternate partner in the situation, it’s up to you to evaluate your level of closeness with your partner.
Similar guidelines apply: Are you making time for what’s important to them? Do you call often? Do you have time to support them? Have you made a lot of new and meaningful memories with them?
I always say take a quick scroll through the camera roll to see who’s in it the most, but I also think you’ll know based on your chemistry and connection if you’re spending the appropriate amount of time together.
Ask yourself
You can’t forget about you! I get that it’s easy to feel like you’re being pulled in multiple directions, and that you’re spreading yourself too thin over relationships because of it. Eventually, the strain put on relationships will cause them to break — but don’t worry, all hope is not lost.
I believe the key to finding balance here is introspection.
Think about how much time you truly have given to both parties: Who is in your call logs most often? Can you remember the last time you saw someone? What do you do with your time off?
If you start to see repeating patterns, maybe consider reaching out to that person you haven’t talked to in a while.
Of course, the phone works both ways, so don’t feel pressured to always be the one who reaches out. At the same time, remember people may feel inclined to stop extending the olive branch if you continue to decline them.
I want to reiterate that it’s not wrong to want to spend a lot of time with your boyfriend, but you also don’t want things to turn out like how they did in Greta Gerwig’s “Barbie.” Remember when Ken asks to stay the night, but is met with objection from Barbie who insists every night will be girls night “forever and ever” in Barbie Land?
Granted, she has a point, but the idea is that to love someone — whether romantically or platonically — means that we have to be willing to share parts of ourselves with them to make the relationship work.
Conclusion
One of the things I value most about myself is my independence. I like knowing that at the end of the day, I am my own person, and I am not reliant on others to make me feel happy or like I’m worth something. And I hope that is something everyone is trying to emulate in their own lives.
You shouldn’t ditch all your friends for a boyfriend. Romantic partners can sometimes come and go, but long-term friendships are more often forever. You should always have your BFFs to fall back on to support you, and vice versa — so don’t push them away or jeopardize your relationship over a Tinder match.
Subsequently, if you really want your relationship to blossom, it’s okay to hangout with your boyfriend a little more —- just don’t get carried away.
I think if anything, your relationship should only change you for the better, so the hope is that you still remain the kind, compassionate friend, sibling or child that you have always been.
