Going home after a breakup, everything reminds you of what was — the people, the places, even your own bedroom.
I myself moved all of my ex-boyfriend’s belongings and gifts out of my bedroom, but the thought of him remains.
My bed never returned to my own, it still feels like ours — there’s still his side and mine. No matter where I go at home in Baltimore, I can’t escape the thought of him.
In Boston, I am surrounded by such a great city with endless possibilities — an atmosphere that I hope follows me wherever I study abroad next year. The sky is the limit with all of these opportunities I have, and I am taking advantage of all of them.
I can literally go anywhere I want, just not home.
Home is him. Home is everything we did and everywhere we went. Home is all of our mutual friends and the high school we attended together. Whether I am in my own home or simply walking around a local park, the storm of our memories continue to flood my brain.
Home isn’t just where I live and return back to, home is a person — one who meant everything to me. Being unable to separate my physical home from memories spent with my ex-boyfriend, I struggled to return home with a sense of normality, which made it hard to feel comfortable.
During times like these, I turn to music. Lyrics give me a sense of freedom with their open interpretations and their way of carrying different meanings to different people. We may hear the same thing, yet internalize it differently.
Music has the ability to speak for a wide range of experiences. It can resonate across various groups of people who have nothing in common but a shared appreciation for lyrics. There is a certain power in a song’s ability to align with how you have been feeling and speak the words that you’ve been trying so hard to find.
The songs about heartbreak that you find while trying to heal from a breakup are like no other. Everyone finds a song that speaks to them in a transformative way — mine is “my tears ricochet” by Taylor Swift.
I could write an entire essay on the song’s lyrics and analyze their significance and relatability. But, my main takeaway from the song is the lyric “I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home.”
This one line has captured so many of my complicated and unexplainable feelings. Currently, my options are limitless and I am being exposed to so many wonderful opportunities. But, there’s always going to be that time where I return home — a place that has brought so much anxiety and confusion.
It helped me realize that I need to re-invent the idea of home, especially who and where that may be.
While Baltimore will always be the place I grew up, it’s not always going to be the place I return to. Once my youngest brother graduates in two years, both of my parents will move, leaving nothing in Baltimore for me to come back to.
Even when I “go home” over breaks, I still refer to Boston as home. The truth is, your concept of home shifts as life goes on and things change. As you grow, home takes form in multiple places. For me, home is where my heart is.
So, yes, Baltimore is still my home, but so is Boston and anywhere my friends call home.
Of course, home is bound to be somewhat uncomfortable following a breakup. Fortunately, reinventing the idea of home for myself has helped me accept change and feel more comfortable.
This isn’t to say I am 100% happy and carefree at home, but I have been able to renew a sense of relaxation and spend more meaningful time with friends and family — something that has helped me significantly.
