Dear Abby: It’s the holiday season, and I’m not sure how to curb these feelings of loneliness. Last Christmas I had a boyfriend, and now I don’t — but I still feel the same! Even surrounded by friends and family, I’m struggling to feel loved. Why do I feel this way?
Christmas is on the horizon. Can’t you just smell the chestnuts roasting on an open fire? I’m kidding, but you make a good point. Love and loneliness tend to perform an intricate dance, especially around the holidays.
I don’t think it’s the Hallmark movies that have us feeling this way. Love is never in the air as much as it is from December to February.
December is a month dedicated to celebrating togetherness. But for those who are single or in smaller social circles, December can pose challenges.
Loneliness can creep into our lives at any time — it doesn’t matter who we are or the kind of connections we share — no one is immune to this feeling.
The more I reflected on the pervasiveness of this bitter, empty feeling, the more I couldn’t help but wonder: by choosing to love, are we setting ourselves up for loneliness? Does the vulnerability of opening our hearts also mean we are at risk of feeling disconnected, even when surrounded by others?
I think the sentiment, love the one you’re with, applies aptly to this situation. The phrase was popularized by the 1970s song “Love the One You’re With” by Stephen Stills. The lyrics suggest we appreciate the connection in front of us, even if it’s not perfect or what we imagined.
But I have a partner!
Here’s the deal: dating doesn’t automatically cure loneliness. It sounds like an oxymoron, but just because you spend a lot of time with someone does not mean you are immune to these feelings of isolation.
This is not to say that your partner is the sole reason for feelings of loneliness, but maybe they play a part.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, humans are inherently social creatures. Throughout our lives, we subconsciously build a network of people to surround us — family, friends, colleagues — seeking connection and companionship.
As we grow older, the desire for deeper relationships naturally evolves into a longing for romantic partnerships. But if we’re not in the right headspace, we can end up using our partners as bandaids. We may fall into the trap of using our significant others to fill a void rather than cultivating a meaningful connection. True love requires more than just a cure for solitude — it thrives when both individuals are whole, not just seeking someone to ease their emptiness.
As teenagers and young adults, it’s crucial to focus on our independence and personal growth. But sometimes, we invest too much of our self-worth in our relationships. This leads to feelings of loneliness when we struggle with codependency or experience distance from our partner.
If you place your happiness in someone else before nurturing it within yourself, you may feel that lingering sense of emptiness when the holidays or periods of separation come around.
Love the person you’re with, but don’t count yourself out!
I’m single
Conversely, if you don’t have someone to kiss under the mistletoe this month, you might feel rather estranged during this season of love and togetherness.
Believe me, your reaction is completely valid. Watch any Christmas movie, and you’re instantly swept up in the magic of romance that blooms effortlessly alongside twinkling lights and snowflakes.
You’re probably thinking: if someone as adorably quirky as Buddy the Elf can land a girlfriend as stunning as Zooey Deschanel, then what’s stopping me? Why does it seem so easy for them to find love while I’m still figuring it out?
It’s simple to get caught up in the idea of just having someone, but keep in mind — quality matters more than quantity. Look for someone who genuinely helps you feel seen and understood rather than one who merely keeps the loneliness at bay. That connection makes the danger worthwhile.
Despite what “Love Actually” might teach us, being single during the holidays is not a reflection of your life — it’s a chance to discover the fullness of who you are.
Being single at any point in your life is an invitation to be present with yourself, to find peace in solitude and to understand love doesn’t have to come from a romantic partner to be profound. The platonic love we find from others can be just as nurturing, supportive and fulfilling as any romantic love.
My end-of-the-semester sentiment
Something I’ve learned is that by having the ability to love, we make ourselves susceptible to a life of feeling lonely. You might think I sound crazy, but I promise, Ask Abby hasn’t lost all her marbles — just yet.
Someone once told me I was the most important person in my life. I couldn’t fathom the thought. Above my friends? Family? Partner? How could I be the most important?
But now, looking back, I think there’s some truth to it. I believe you are your first and last love.
Relationships aren’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. We can give our hearts to others, but still find ourselves feeling lonely or unfulfilled. The reality is that loneliness is a part of life, whether we’re in a relationship or not. But it’s in those moments, when we feel the weight of solitude, that some of our deepest personal growth occurs.
All you can do is love the one you’re with, even if that one is yourself.
