I have a very distinct memory of walking the streets of New York City with my uncle when I was 10 or 11 years old. We were passing Central Park after leaving the zoo, and I noticed a bride and groom taking pictures in the distance. Instead of giddily laughing at the prospect of true love as I did, my uncle yelled out, “Don’t do it!” inciting laughter from fellow passersby. I was confused. Don’t do it? Wasn’t marriage the ultimate source of pure joy and love that two people could experience?
As I grew older, I became more conscious of the strange attitudes surrounding marriage, most of them relating to the idea that it destroys any freedom we accumulate during our lives. Once we marry someone, we no longer have autonomy over ourselves. Two separate parts become one unit as soon as vows are uttered.
Bachelor and bachelorette parties, often associated with alcohol, exotic dancers and debauchery are manifestations of these ideas, where brides and grooms are made to feel like they have only one more night to act on their worst behavior freely. These seemingly trivial actions often have patriarchal roots, and have become normalized. For example, couples often renovate their homes to build a “man cave,” ensuring that a man can escape his wife whenever he feels he must. This enables the idea that once we enter marriage, we spend the rest of our lives trying to escape. We also emphasize to men that showing emotion or love toward their significant other is not masculine, and that he cannot be a “real man” unless he finds his wife annoying and clingy.
These processes make me question why people decide to get married in the first place. If you intend on treating your spouse like the ultimate buzz kill, what is the point? Besides financial security and economic benefits, there is no need to marry someone unless you desire to spend the rest of your life with them.
Perpetuating these ideas before we even get married only makes the actual marriage more difficult and tiresome. After all, why would I foster a relationship with someone who I view as a threat to my independence?
I do not mean to assume that marriage is easy, and that having a positive attitude will fix all problems that a couple endures. Marrying someone can be a complex, difficult transition, and it comes with its own pressures and responsibilities. I can only imagine that respecting the institution of marriage, and therefore the person you’re marrying, can only make it easier.
Because marriage has become something that is so expected of us, young adults strive to find someone with whom they could imagine spending the rest of their life. For some, marriage is an inevitable end. It represents true adulthood and responsibility and something that cannot be avoided. Thus, it now has a negative connotation.
Call me a hopeless romantic, or maybe even call me a naïve optimist, but I believe that marriage is something that should be shared between two people who want to actually be married to each other, not two people who feel like they should be married to satisfy an expectation.
I think we can challenge the idea that marriage, and adulthood in general, is the end of our happiness. Of course we can still achieve happiness and contentment when we’re married. We can achieve those things at any age. We may begin to find different things satisfying, like watching our children go to school for the first time or celebrating a wedding anniversary. But the feelings still exist, as long as we work to find them.
