I used to believe there was a time limit on heartbreak. After a certain number of days, one could be abstained from their heartbreak and continue their lives as if their heartbreak had no effect on them. I subscribed to the teen magazine knowledge that if you took the time you spent together with someone and divided that time by half, you would be left with the perfect equation to grieve. If you were with someone for six months, then you were allotted three months. By this logic, if you were married for 20 years then your grief period could be as long as 10 years.
When I finally picked my head up out of those magazines, I realized that there is no simple equation for getting over someone. There are multiple factors and variables that are at play when one ends a relationship or encounters heartbreak. These factors have a measurable impact on how long it takes to grieve. This applies to the ending of any relationship — familial, platonic, romantic or otherwise. Our best friends can break our hearts as badly as our boyfriends. Some of the factors that can impact the time needed are feelings, how well you knew that person, and how deeply they hurt you or you hurt them. No two endings of a relationship are the same, no matter how many times Hollywood tries to preach the cookie-cutter rom-com relationship.
It has always taken me longer than prescribed to get over someone. I have never been able to completely get over someone within the time limit that has been dictated or expected. Moving on is not a linear process. Each day, one does not lose another piece of that person, or think about them in lessening percentages. There is no ratio of thoughts dedicated to them and thoughts dedicated to other things that diminishes everyday. The physical process itself looks more like a rollercoaster track than a downward line.
Some days are better than others, and other days it can feel like you’ve only moved backwards. Some days you hear a song that reminds you of them on the radio, or walk past the cafe you first got coffee together, and the residual feelings come back and hit you like a wave. Sometimes those feelings last longer than you like. What I have found is that one day, you’ll be strutting with a smile, or going to meet a friend, and you’ll feel OK. Maybe the sun hits your face, or maybe you spot a cute dog, and you realize that you are OK. OK is good. Sometimes we can’t ask ourselves to do better than OK. We have to be kinder to ourselves when we aren’t doing better than OK. We have to be kinder to ourselves when we don’t meet our quotas.
This is something I am always trying to work on. I remember last semester when there was a point post-heartbreak where I finally felt OK. It took longer than I had anticipated, but when the feeling rushed over me, I felt pure relief. I walked down the street and I no longer felt the urge to blast Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” or cry to a Derek Shepherd tribute video. I deleted his number, our conversations, the screenshots I had sent to my friends and all evidence I had collected that was perpetuating the hurt.
There is no statute of limitations on heartbreak. No one but you can decide the amount of time it truly takes to get over someone. You are the best gauge for how you felt toward that person, what they said to you, how they made you feel. No one should be able to tell you to just “get over it.” Like many things that we deal with in relationships, getting over someone is a process. It is a messy, crazy, sad and hurtful process, but we persevere. The human capability to move forward is a beautiful thing.
Meredith loves telling stories and pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw, minus the man and comfy NYC apartment. She, however, eats enough brunch to cover all six seasons. When she's not drowning in 16th-century literature, she can be found lamenting over the bad grammar and bad boys in her middle school diary.
Find her on twitter @merewilsh or email her mwilsher@bu.edu with all your love musings or questions.
