Dear Abby: Help! I don’t know if this boy likes me. We’ve gone out a few times but he’s a really dry texter, and it takes him a while to respond to my messages and calls. I don’t want to seem needy and obsessive, but what do I do?!
The game of relaying messages and texting back and forth is such a fun, yet scary and disappointing, one. But hey, as they say, communication is key, so this definitely isn’t an issue worth brushing under the rug.
All too often I see people trying to offer themselves some false peace of mind over why their current “situationship” isn’t responding to their texts or calls.
“Maybe they’re in class.”
“Perhaps their phone is dead.”
“Or they must just be busy” — it’s the oldest excuse in the book.
I guess it is us who create these illusions to protect ourselves from reality, but I can’t lie, it’s understandable. The need for love, belonging and validation are desires innate to human beings, so it’s no wonder we hold our breath over a blue or green text bubble with three beaming dots.
This phenomenon is far more well-known and prevalent than you might think. In one conversation with a guy I had, the topic came up, and his response both alarmed and enlighted me.
He said the waiting days to respond, the dry texting and the limited communication at the start was all part of “the game.”
Certainly he wasn’t talking about Monopoly or Twister, so I found myself walking from the table more perplexed than ever. However, what I came to find out is that this “game” isn’t really a game at all. It’s more about pretending that you’re not really interested as a way to not seem super needy.
Now I think that’s just stupid. Have we so quickly forgotten about the key to success here? We need communication! It’s the only way to build bonds and progress forward with things.
I can’t exactly pinpoint why some people are afraid to feel, but it’s killing modern day romance. I mean, if you can’t show your interest and be clear and direct about your intentions with someone, what’s the point of leading them on?
Communication doesn’t have to be touch-and-go. It has the capability to be meaningful, if we use our resources appropriately.
Texting
I think texting is a great form of message relay. It’s definitely less formal than an email, but also not as casual as speaking face to face.
This media provides loads of versatility in showing the person that you care about them, even if only for a brief moment. And I don’t want to hear the “I’m busy” excuse — a text message can be sent in two minutes or less.
Personally, depending on how well you know the person, I think this is the best way to formulate plans, send a quick, thoughtful message or forward them a video or meme that reminds you of them.
However, you have to be consistent. No one is saying you should reply the second your love interest does, but don’t take three business days to respond. That just soils whatever spark was ignited there. Instead, take however long you need to craft a well-formulated response — but try to keep it within a four-hour time frame, unless there are extenuating circumstances.
I can’t reiterate this enough, but responding to a message like a normal human being doesn’t make you seem needy or obsessed — if anything, I think it shows that you care. But be warned, text is not the be-all end-all. If your texts are starting to look like essays, maybe it’s time to pick up the phone and make a call.
Just be careful to not craft a false sense of intimacy because you’re too afraid to up your contact — after all, this is a relationship, not a pen-pal situation.
Phone Call
Speaking of phone calls, I think this is probably the most classic and traditional method of communicating with your intended prospect. My mom loves to tell me about the hours she used to spend sitting at the landline on the phone with her boyfriend. Maybe that’s not the case today, but hey, it’s still a pretty effective method.
If you can’t see the person in the flesh, this is your next best step to casually catch-up or follow up with the person. Everyone knows that text is more convenient, so I think the effort it takes to pick up the phone and initiate a conversation is a tell-tale sign that the person is invested in you.
FaceTime
This method of communication is definitely the most challenging of the three. Not only does your voice have to be heard, but your face — and its varying expressions — are on display for the person to see.
I think that if you’re truly trying to kickstart a relationship, or continue something long-distance, this approach is your best bet.
Empathy is such an essential element to bring to any relationship. To know how the person is feeling and what they are thinking isn’t always something that can be deciphered through a bubble message or a quick voice call. Sometimes, seeing the person allows us to connect with them better, to put ourselves in their shoes and feel with them.
Learning to read other people before they even speak is such a necessary skill that many people lack. It shows that you are both observant and invested in them.
Conclusion
I hate that we have equated normal communication with being a sign of desperation. The two are surely not synonymous, and I’m confused how we even reached this conclusion, or made a game about it.
All I know is that I have never felt more special than when I feel like I am being heard. And when it’s not a one-sided situation, going back and forth, even if it’s briefly, works wonders at fostering true love and connection.
So if they don’t feel like texting you back, or if making a phone call is too much of an effort, I suggest you do one thing: hit the block button and go find someone more deserving of your time!
Do you or someone you know need dating advice? Ask Abby!
